From Buddhism To Booty and Back Again- Breaking Down The Lies Of Tiger

If your like me you found yourself watching Tiger promise to turn it all around yesterday and the whole time you were thinking: Great, just what this country needs, ANOTHER HALF BLACK GUY TALKING ABOUT CHANGE. Say this for Tiger. He really makes you reapprecitate Barry Obama's ability to read a speech. Tiger read that copy like the salesman at the car dealership who has 2 lines in the small budget tv commercial they film for the Big Memorial Day Weekend. Come - on - Down - to - Bob - Schizuli - Chevrolet -where -Bob -is prac-ti-cal-ly - giving away cars.


According to the text of his made for TV apology to friends and family, Tiger is goin' back to Budhism. Or as LL Cool J would say I'm goin' back to Budhism. Budhism. Budhism. I'm goin' back to Budhism.......I don't think so.

Everyone has been wondering since thanksgiving how a guy of his stature could suffer such a precipitous fall from grace. What could possible drive a man who "had it all" to behave so recklessly? The made for Tv apology said problems started when he stopped paying attention to Buddhism. Yup, Buddhism. Tiger went from worshipping Buddha to worshipping booty.

When you think about it, you can't blame him. I mean Buddha is a fat dude in robes. Booty comes in all shapes and sizes. In Tiger's case though only one will do. Blonde white girls. By the busload. Tiger shacked up with a couple of airplane hangers worth of blondies and never went with a minority gal. Where is Al Sharpton on this one? I'm shocked that he isn't protesting Tiger's philandering. If Nike only employed white spokespeople surely there'd be a boycott, no?

Alright enough of me being a moron. Tiger played the country for dopes yesterday. Period. If he wanted to apologize to his friends and family so bad why did he need to put it on TV? Couldn't he just have them over, or take them all to dinner? The answer is a big fat YES. But that wouldn't do anything in the way of rehabbing his image, which is what this was all about. You can't imagine how many people work on the public relations team of a huge celebrity during a crisis of this magnitude. There were probably a hundred people think tanking on this. Not that it did him any good. Yesterdays show was a well rehearsed short film. It really was. But apparently rehearsal alone won't guarantee a good finished product. Tiger sucked yesterday. Every screenplay has certain devices, certain bases, to be covered in order to really make the message of the film pop for the viewer. Here are the devices of Tiger's Short Film, "From Buddhism to Booty and Back Again".


1. Hold the conference at PGA Headquarters: this was designed to remind the audience that Tiger is still Tiger the golfer and not just Tiger the repentent beaten man. By staging it hear Tiger got to get everyone to think golf without really mentioning golf. You'll notice he didn't really pay much attention to golf during the speech. That was simply to make it appear that he was so devoted to the mission of personal cleansing that it was an after thought to him. Such an after thought that he consulted with the PGA commisioner about staging the event there.

2. Apologize to the members of his charity. What the hell did he apologize to them for? He hasn't done anything to them accept give them money and scholarships. EXACTLY. And by apologizing to them he gets to mention his charity work. This is the classic "hey I'm not such a bad guy" without actually saying it. It's like when parents put their kids vitamins in their apple sauce.

3. Mention his departure from religion. This is done to simplify the rehabilitation process. Convince everyone, INCLUDING SPONSORS, that there is a simple straight path back to good guyville. Go back to Budda and you won't need booty Tiger!!! Apparently buddhists don't get hard ons???

4. Invite family and friends. By inviting his family and friends and not having an actual press conference Tiger was trying to create the illusion that he wasn't concerned with Tiger the celebrity he was concerned with your buddy Tiger. The only problem is he put it on TV on every channel except Playboy and Spice, oddly enough. Tiger did not want to apologize to family and friends yesterday. He wanted to rehab his image. But when he sat down with his strategists and the idea of a press conference came up they realized how destructive it would be for his image to be addressing the horrible details of the affairs. They also figure it was nobodies business. They were right. Errgo, bring the friends and family.

5. Mention his awareness that he shouldn't get a seperate set of rules. This was the ultimate insult. This is a populist move. Hey public, I should be behaving just like the rest of you!!! Ya got that, plumbers, cops, teachers, firemen??? I, TIGER WOODS, should behave just like you! I realized it the other day when I was flying my PRIVATE JET to my THIRD MANSION to meet my CORPORATE SPONSORS for MY NEW VIDEO GAME. So it prompted me to have a press conference to apologizing for my actions....JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO!!!!!! Nothing he did yesterday was by our standard set of rules. It was as celebrity as things get!!!! He didn't take questions on the biggest scandal of his life! Could you or me get away with that??? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Case closed.

So we finally found out what happens if your erection lasts 4 hours and you don't call your doctor. You nail so many women that you have to hold a tv press conference to apologize. Damn, and all this time I thought that line was a marketing ploy!!! I was wrong. Thanks for showing us all what a real marketing ploy looks like Team Tiger.

Tiger You Doosh....Just Win, YOU F*#!$NG BABY!!!

Tiger Woods is a pompous doosh. If you don't believe me, turn on your tv tomorrow around 11, ON ANY CHANNEL, and Tiger will be there to prove my point for me. He is holding a press conference, well not actually, but a press conference is the closest term I have to describe what he is actually doing to explain away his role in our country's biggest sex scandal since Monica Lewinsky went into the humidor business.

It's being billed as an apology but when Tiger speaks there will be no questions, 1 tv camera, and 5 or 6 "associates" in a nearby room. It sounds more like a lethal injection! Only in a lethal injection, the perpetrator isn't in control. Make no mistake about this, TIGER IS IN FULL CONTROL ON THIS. He is havin' it his way right away, as they say over at Burger King. (love their burgers but McDonald's has the fry belt)

No matter what Earl's kid says tomorrow the real message will be this: No questions, 1 camera, 6 "reporters" = WE DO IT MY WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL. What a pompous, arrogant, doosh. This is such a horribly contrived maneuver by a p.r. team that, if it gets any worse, will be asked to handle Obama's healthcare message. (costs have gone up by 600% and 55 million people don't have coverage, yet Obama's camp couldn't convince the country we needed reform!!!!) The move is designed to repair Tiger's image for his sponsors and that's why he isn't taking questions. Obviously any soundbite of him saying the words stripper, wear you out, Perkins parking lot, donkey punch, would be used against him forever so answering questions is out. So is looking like he gives a turd. But I suppose you don't have to convince people you give a turd when you're in control.

He is so used to having his way both on the course and apparently in the parking lots off the course, that even now, when he's genuinely made an ass of himself, he can't even fathom relinquishing control of the mea culpa proceedings. No way. HE'S A SPOILED BABY!! I don't wanna take questions! MOOOOOMMMMMM, the reporters want to ask questions!!!!!

And his wife will be there to take him back so where, I ask, is the lesson in all of this for Tiger? He was able to nail a hundred skanks behind his wife's back (and sorry if he's married and you're banging him, that's SKANKY) and he was able to get his wife right back. He'll also get all of his sponsors and fans back once he starts winning. So why even hold a fake press conference? Nothing he says tomorrow matters. Because in this world of never ending jock forgiveness, noone cares what you do personally, just win. If you don't believe me ask A-Rod, the only guy I've seen lie more than Rush Limbaugh the day Obama won the Nobel. A-Rod won a title and pow! He's Mr. Clean!

So all I ask Tiger, is don't even hold a presser. Not that you really are but you get the point. The setup for this thing is so condescending and at the end of the day we all know you're going to lie your busy little balls off anyway, so just shut up and win. And don't let me here one moronic radio guy (that's you Mike Golic) talk about the lesson he learned in all of this. Please. No matter what he says the only thing this situation has really forced him to learn is to put skanks phone numbers in his phone under guys names from now on. Because believe me if Elin is stupid enough to take him back she is definately stupid enough to fall for that one.

Tiger's 100 Million Dollar Dilemma

If your like me your past the point of wondering wether or not you should text "HAITI" to 90999 and your now at the point where your just nervous that your fourteen month old has sent it an additional 87 times while playing with your phone. For the record, I know I'm safe because they make you reply a second time to verify the charges and I know by that point (15 seconds) Lincoln has already moved on to eating the phone. (we're damn proud of the kid, he's got valedictorian written all over him)
The reason I bring up HAITI donations is not because I wanted to prove I ponied up my ten (I'm totally going on second hand info here) but to wonder where the hell Tiger Wood's big bad murderers row of a public relations team is on this bad boy? I mean this is the goodwill opportunity of a lifetime for a guy in his predicament with his financial wherewithal!!!!
Think about it, right now everyone thinks he's a yambag (gotta love big word tuesdays) but if he were to donate a much needed 100 million (sorry rush) to the cause people would reverse course on the Tiger bashing faster than you could say.... anything really fast. (we don't do the witty analogy thing) I know alot of people would see this for the obvious pr move that it is but that's why they call them obvious pr moves....THEY FREAKIN' WORK!!!! And this one would REALLY work. It would give Tiger watchers something to discuss besides the measurements of the waitstaff at Perkins and for the first time in 2 months Tiger would get some positive press. ESPN alone would show Tiger so many times you'd start to think he was related to Brett Favre. It would be a monster headline in every paper. The world would salute him, the talk show circuit would beg him to come and why? Because money talks. Fair or unfair. That's how the game is played and the parade of legal seagulls that are extorting, ahem, advising him have gotta know this.
Don't even mention the amount of money because if he donated a hundred mill the positive buzz would be so huge he'd get every sponsor he lost back on board and then some and the money would be a push before groundhog day. But instead what do they come up with? Sex rehab! That's right, sex rehab. Supposedly Tiger is in sex rehab in Hattiesburg Mississippi right now. That's the story they let out while the pr maneuver of the century just sits on the curb, head in hands, like a stood up girl in a 50's sitcom. Pretty soon we'll get updates on his progress and the glowing reviews of how dedicated he is to not drilling rent a car clerks behind dumpsters but it won't do anything for his image. Especially once he leaves Hattiesburg and runs into some actual good looking people!!!!!!! Way to go Team Tiger, you really defecated the bed on this one but there is some good news. While Lincoln may have digested my phone while I was typing this he didn't get to yours yet. Start Texting. By my math that's a hundred thousand texts. Even if you disagree with my pr strategy entirely at least you'll have something to do in Hattiesburg.