If you ever look @ Mike Lupica's headshot in the Daily News you'll notice almost a wee bit of a sneer, sort of a "hey take me seriously because I do type of look"...he's one of the best we have writin' sports and he was around when you could smoke cigars in bars and all of the iconics were playing, reporting, and drinking together, for that I love his column. Plus he goes on Imus which is only the greatest show on radio if you know anything about good radio.... Aside from those infomercials for the Dean Martin Show, Club Lupica is the only place you can go for a Toots Shore reference in the year 2010. I do find myself agreeing with a good amount of his political view points although I will call him on the whiny way he goes about expressing him. He writes politics the way he writes sports and I don't think it translates well. And he always talks about guys who "find religion a little late in the service" which is a great line but he's also one of those guys who decided to go all MSNBC on our asses right when it became fashionable to start piling on the last administration....that being said (you know what's coming, this is the classic, don't get me wrong I have nothing against black people, BUT DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW.....) I have to call out Mikey Sneers on his Peyton Manning take after SB XLIV....He chided the greatest regular season qb of all time for amongst other things, not doing the midfield handshake with Brees and Sean Payton.....here's the thing Sneers.....anyone mad that 'ol Peyday didn't give us the onfield handshake needs to read a book about the power of positive thinking and get over their need to wallow in someone else's defeat...it's this exact mentality that is the reason we have the first week of american idol, where people intentionally act like horrible singers so the rest of the country can feel good about themselves....it's sad when you think about what network producers think of YOU THE VIEWER....when they program A.I. they're basically looking at you as someone who looks at it this way: hey my boss is a ballbag, I'm working to death for no money, my wife won't bang me, BUT ATLEAST I DON'T SING LIVING ON A PRAYER AS BAD AS THAT GUY....THIS SHOW IS AWESOME!!!!!!! Hey Senor Sneers, how about focusing on the positive achievment of the Saints and writing an article about Drew Brees and his kid and giving readers the kind of inspiration they really need? I know Peyday INTENTIONALLY blew off the handshake which sounds a little off putting until you realize what else went on in the NFL this weekend, ahem Rex "The Bird" Ryan, and Warren "Ike Turner" Sapp.....Dante Stallworth, Stephen Jackson (who got off) ..... I'll quote another lefty for the road on this one......"give peace a chance" Mikey Sneers!!!! See that wasn't so bad, was it?
-----Has anyone else noticed that Steve Phillips and ex vp nominee John Edwards are pretty much the same guy?? How big is the sleeze quotient on Phillips? And now he's doing the talk show circuit to apologize, i.e. campaign for a new job. Typical interview blah blah blah, someone hire me on their sports network, hurt my family, blah blah, team player, blah blah, learned I had a problem, blah blah.....and you KNOW Phillips kept his socks on when he drilled that young freuline up in Bristol....
-----Happy Superbowl one more time. I just can't say it enough because it's the only happy you can wish anyone and still include the title of the holiday......so happy superbowl....and sorry for not wishing ya'll a few extra merry christmas' as I would have been sued..and lets face it when your 33 and driving a yellow cab in manhattan you're not doin' it because there's a surplus of cash in your life.....
-----The Saints have taken Super Bowk XLIV and the big easy is gettin' ready to "party with Lombardi" this week as the who dats return home with their first NFL Crown since I used them in Super Tecmo Bowl in 1991. It's gonna be a helluva time down there, as it should be, because it doesn't get any bigger than....THIS....but that's in New Orleans....what I wanna talk about is is the celebration that will ensue up here, in the Northeast, where we will undoubtedly see hundreds of BRAND SPANKIN' NEW SAINTS LIDS all over the sidewalks this week, not because we have any Saints fans up here but this is a MAJOR FRONT RUNNIN' TOWN...MAJOR....don't believe me, ask anyone who saw the viral spread of Red Sox hats in 04...you couldn't go to a street corner in this town and not see a Boston hat, they were like the Duane Reade drug stores of HAT. Good luck finding one now, with the Yanks taking the whole thing this year, there's suddenly a Red Sox hat famine....seriously if you ask the average Saints Hoody wearin' schmuck you see outside of Penn Station this week to name 2 guys on the Saints don't be surprised to see them get stuck at Peyton Manning. But Jim, Peyton Manning isn't on the saints.........EXACTLY!!!! I'm not writing this because I have a problem with all the front running, as a Raider fan I totally empathize with the need to be around a winning team once in a while. All I'm sayin' is atleast cut the tags off your hat and bend the brim a little bit so we can at least create the illusion that you were with em' all along. If you're gonna frontrun, atleast be discreet!!!!
-----Gotta send a big shout out for the guy who filled in for the WHEELHOUSE Sunday and told every body how to bet the super bowl...that was some impressive stuff.....what was his name again? I can't remember, but I remember him sayin' something about driving a cab....and being a no name comic who's appearing @ Comix this wednesday thursday and friday....p.s. go to another blog if you'd like your days of the week capitalized!!!!!
-----Roger Goodell announced that he wants to enact stricter rules to limit concussions. How about rules to limit the amount of Super Bowl commercials where animals act like people? How many violin playing beavers can you laugh at, middle america?
-----And no pun intended but speaking of beavers, how bout that Danica Patrick making it to NASCAR. I die laughing when I hear someone mention what a big moment this is for women because she has made her way into this all male sport and forced her to take them seriously. As if she's relevant for any reasons that have to do with her driving ability. I'm fine with intergrating women into big time pro sports but not just so we can say we did. My advice to Danica, stop simulating sex with Megan Fox and learn how to drive. Your rise to prominence is the epitome of what the whole women's rights movement is supposed to be against. Talk about objectification....really, has anyone ever seen a cheaper marketing ploy in sports??? Whose gonna sponsor her car, HANDCREAM????? If you wanna be a pro athlete, be a pro athlete! If you wanna be a pornstar, be a pornstar...
Following XLIV who feels worse, Colts fans or Vikings fans? The Vikes SO SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT GAME!!!!!! friggin FARV- RUH........... 7 turnovers against a team they completely DOMINATED....the Colts turn it over once (not counting the brilliant onsider) and it cost em the game....the Vikes turned it over SEVEN TIMES before it finally caught up to them...the good news, Vikes fans, is you were probably the best team in the league this year. The BAD NEWS.........we end with a quote for extra credit.....
"the flowers you gave me, are just about to die, but when I think about what COULD'VE BEEN, it makes me want to cry"
WHO THE HELL ELSE HAS THE CONFIDENCE TO CLOSE ON A TIFFANY SONG???????
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Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
C.S.I. Miami, a.k.a. Super Bowl XLIV
I had a guy in my cab yesterday that worked in forensic accounting. For those of you who don't know what that is (like me before I picked him up @ Grand Central) what these guys do is find the hidden income of wealthy individuals or corporations by examining their books and id'ing certain trouble signs. The way he explained it certain disclosures on a companies books indicate an attempt to cover up money by employing various obstruction tactics. It's kinda like body language experts who can tell a person is lying by the way their eyes look to the left when they're talking. Forensic accountants are masters at the body language of accounting. This guy worked on ENRON and he is now involved in determining who gets paid out in the Bernie Madoff sweepstakes. Fascinating conversation but based on the tip it's safe to say he hasn't kept too much of the hidden money for himself.
Luckily I won't need it this week because after a playoff run in which I went 9-1 for all of you unappreciative assbags (hello talk radio host Mike Bower) I have done the forensic accounting of SUPER BOWL XLIV and found out where the money is being hidden. Literally hidden! AND NOT JUST IN THIS GAME BUT IN EVERY SUPER BOWL TO COME!!! I'm serious.
Anyone that has ever heard me talk about gambling on the radio, or at a little league game or a dance recital for that matter knows that I am a huge proponent of betting every game for the same amount of money. It is the single most important reason that I have come out ahead every football season since 1993. The reason I find this so important is because if you commit to bet every game equally it takes alot of the emotion out of the process and decreases the chances of you going on TILT after a tough loss and making a bunch of dumb bets. (TILT the state of mind, not the Michael Madsen vehicle on ESPN)
Placing equal bets also accentuates a winning record by ensuring that you get paid. Sadly, to most people who bet football, having a winning record rarely equates to making money. Think about it. How many times have you gone 5-2- in a weekend and lost money because you bet the five wins for a hundo and the two losses for a nickel and a dime. It's maddening!!! YOU HAVE TO BET THEM ALL THE SAME. People who bet in varying increments are a bookies dream!!! Even if it works for you on a small sample of games over the course of time "betting the big game" has a way turning your bank roll into the last shot of Steve Buscemi in Fargo. I cannot stress this enough. If you are seriously trying to gamble and come out ahead you must bet them all the same.
The Super Bowl is no different. If you're gonna bet it every year you have to employ the same type of strategy. Mine, without further ado, is this. BET THE UNDERDOG IN THE SUPER BOWL TO WIN THE GAME OUTRIGHT EVERY SINGLE YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. THAT'S RIGHT, FORGET THE SPREAD AND BET THE SAINTS +180 TO WIN THE GAME!!! A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR BET WILL PAY YOU NINE HUNDRED AMERICAN.
Alot of people will want to know why. Is it the limited mobility of Freeney, the remember me hits of the Saints D? Maybe someone has finally found a way to confuse Peyton Manning by changing the name of the Stadium every other posession. Nope it's bigger than all that. It's not about pass rushers, or average starting field position it's about FORENSIC ACCOUNTING.
I know at first it sounds highly implausible that their could be money hidden on the most heavily bet game in the universe but about 10 years ago I was studying the angles of Super Bowl XXXIII and looking at some of the historic trends in the game and I had a Robert Langdon eureka moment straight out of a Dan Brown Novel. What followed was the birth of a betting strategy that would result in 3 wins, 7 losses, but a net profit of $2500. I know this sounds impossible but I'll explain.
Heres the deal: the team favored to win the SuperBowl has won the game 32 times in 43 tries (75%) so on the surface it would seem simple to bet the favorite on the money line every single year because you're going to win 75% of the time. But if you look a little deeper you'll see the trouble signs.
Although favorites win the Super Bowl (without the spread) 75% of the time they are usually doing so at a money line that is extremely high. (avg. price for the 43 favorites is around -500 which means for every hundred you win on a Super Bowl favorite, you lose five!! This year the Colts are laying -210 which means a hundred on the colts will cost you 210 if you lose. (It's really not bad when you consider a hundred on the COLTS in Super Bowl III would have lost you $1600!!!!!) If you bet the Saints for a hundo it would pay you 180. If you lost it you'd only be out that same hundo and therein lies the value.
Since Super Bowl I betting the underdog on the money line for five hundred a game would give you a won lost record of 11 wins and 32 losses but you'd be up eleven thousand five hundred dollars. Don't get me wrong there'd be a ton of games you didn't like ('94 Chargers over the Niners comes to mind) but if you hold your nose and bet the dog every year you will get paid. But you've gotta have discipline because you're going to lose alot more than you win. Going into this weekend the dog in the Super Bowl wins the game outright slightly better than once every 4 years. But at an average payout of $2500 per win the underdog money line strategy will have you up two units every five years. I know this is boring but boring people with tons of poise are the only ones making money.
Often times the guy you HEAR CELEBRATING at the Borgata on Saturday night because he's winning five dime black jack hands is often the same guy you see sunday morning betting 20 bucks a hand because the excitement made it impossible to walk away and now it's all gone. It truly is the worst gambling feeling in the world. I'm sure some of you have been there, tipping the waitress a hundred a round, paying people to hit their 16 because you plan on doubling down, lost behind stacks of chips that look like the New York City Skyline. But rather than walking away you keep playing and now you have the Philadelphia Skyline which eventually becomes the Columbus Ohio skyline and then alas, Sioux City. Keep the emotion out of the process and place the boring bet. Believe me I KNOW how boring this sounds but it's not nearly as boring as Sioux City.
------------As far as betting the game on an individual basis I think the Colts are going to destroy them for some reason. The only thing scaring me is that everybody I talk to feels the same way. If I was going one game I would lay the 210 and bet the Colts simply to win the game. Unfortunately or fortunately I have pretty good discipline so I will stick to the money line strategy that I've employed since the year 2000. (3-7, up $2500).
Luckily I won't need it this week because after a playoff run in which I went 9-1 for all of you unappreciative assbags (hello talk radio host Mike Bower) I have done the forensic accounting of SUPER BOWL XLIV and found out where the money is being hidden. Literally hidden! AND NOT JUST IN THIS GAME BUT IN EVERY SUPER BOWL TO COME!!! I'm serious.
Anyone that has ever heard me talk about gambling on the radio, or at a little league game or a dance recital for that matter knows that I am a huge proponent of betting every game for the same amount of money. It is the single most important reason that I have come out ahead every football season since 1993. The reason I find this so important is because if you commit to bet every game equally it takes alot of the emotion out of the process and decreases the chances of you going on TILT after a tough loss and making a bunch of dumb bets. (TILT the state of mind, not the Michael Madsen vehicle on ESPN)
Placing equal bets also accentuates a winning record by ensuring that you get paid. Sadly, to most people who bet football, having a winning record rarely equates to making money. Think about it. How many times have you gone 5-2- in a weekend and lost money because you bet the five wins for a hundo and the two losses for a nickel and a dime. It's maddening!!! YOU HAVE TO BET THEM ALL THE SAME. People who bet in varying increments are a bookies dream!!! Even if it works for you on a small sample of games over the course of time "betting the big game" has a way turning your bank roll into the last shot of Steve Buscemi in Fargo. I cannot stress this enough. If you are seriously trying to gamble and come out ahead you must bet them all the same.
The Super Bowl is no different. If you're gonna bet it every year you have to employ the same type of strategy. Mine, without further ado, is this. BET THE UNDERDOG IN THE SUPER BOWL TO WIN THE GAME OUTRIGHT EVERY SINGLE YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. THAT'S RIGHT, FORGET THE SPREAD AND BET THE SAINTS +180 TO WIN THE GAME!!! A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR BET WILL PAY YOU NINE HUNDRED AMERICAN.
Alot of people will want to know why. Is it the limited mobility of Freeney, the remember me hits of the Saints D? Maybe someone has finally found a way to confuse Peyton Manning by changing the name of the Stadium every other posession. Nope it's bigger than all that. It's not about pass rushers, or average starting field position it's about FORENSIC ACCOUNTING.
I know at first it sounds highly implausible that their could be money hidden on the most heavily bet game in the universe but about 10 years ago I was studying the angles of Super Bowl XXXIII and looking at some of the historic trends in the game and I had a Robert Langdon eureka moment straight out of a Dan Brown Novel. What followed was the birth of a betting strategy that would result in 3 wins, 7 losses, but a net profit of $2500. I know this sounds impossible but I'll explain.
Heres the deal: the team favored to win the SuperBowl has won the game 32 times in 43 tries (75%) so on the surface it would seem simple to bet the favorite on the money line every single year because you're going to win 75% of the time. But if you look a little deeper you'll see the trouble signs.
Although favorites win the Super Bowl (without the spread) 75% of the time they are usually doing so at a money line that is extremely high. (avg. price for the 43 favorites is around -500 which means for every hundred you win on a Super Bowl favorite, you lose five!! This year the Colts are laying -210 which means a hundred on the colts will cost you 210 if you lose. (It's really not bad when you consider a hundred on the COLTS in Super Bowl III would have lost you $1600!!!!!) If you bet the Saints for a hundo it would pay you 180. If you lost it you'd only be out that same hundo and therein lies the value.
Since Super Bowl I betting the underdog on the money line for five hundred a game would give you a won lost record of 11 wins and 32 losses but you'd be up eleven thousand five hundred dollars. Don't get me wrong there'd be a ton of games you didn't like ('94 Chargers over the Niners comes to mind) but if you hold your nose and bet the dog every year you will get paid. But you've gotta have discipline because you're going to lose alot more than you win. Going into this weekend the dog in the Super Bowl wins the game outright slightly better than once every 4 years. But at an average payout of $2500 per win the underdog money line strategy will have you up two units every five years. I know this is boring but boring people with tons of poise are the only ones making money.
Often times the guy you HEAR CELEBRATING at the Borgata on Saturday night because he's winning five dime black jack hands is often the same guy you see sunday morning betting 20 bucks a hand because the excitement made it impossible to walk away and now it's all gone. It truly is the worst gambling feeling in the world. I'm sure some of you have been there, tipping the waitress a hundred a round, paying people to hit their 16 because you plan on doubling down, lost behind stacks of chips that look like the New York City Skyline. But rather than walking away you keep playing and now you have the Philadelphia Skyline which eventually becomes the Columbus Ohio skyline and then alas, Sioux City. Keep the emotion out of the process and place the boring bet. Believe me I KNOW how boring this sounds but it's not nearly as boring as Sioux City.
------------As far as betting the game on an individual basis I think the Colts are going to destroy them for some reason. The only thing scaring me is that everybody I talk to feels the same way. If I was going one game I would lay the 210 and bet the Colts simply to win the game. Unfortunately or fortunately I have pretty good discipline so I will stick to the money line strategy that I've employed since the year 2000. (3-7, up $2500).
Saturday, January 30, 2010
So Long Kurt Who???
Kurt Warner, age 38, is calling it quits. In addition to being a lock for the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH, he was also the rarest of rare things in this age of all encompassing media: Kurt was a guy who TRULY took a professional sports league by storm. Kurt didn't play his high school ball on ESPN, he didn't come to the league with a 100 million dollar endorsement deal in tow. Not only was Kurt not drafted but he WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE COMBINE!
Kurt Warner played his college ball at Northern Iowa where he was able to parlay his on field success into a prolific career as a grocery bagger. There were stints in arena football and NFL Europe but it was mostly "paper or plastic" until the St.Louis Rams took a flier on him in 1998 and made him a backup to a couple of Big Guns named Tony Banks and Steve Bono. In 1999 the Rams signed Trent Green to be their starting qb only to lose him for the year to injury during the third pre season game. Coach Dick Vermeil actually wept at the press conference. (To be fair Vermeil wept at everything, he was the NFL equivalent of Glenn Beck, but sincere... I can't imagine watching the Notebook with those two?)
In stepped Kurt Warner, undrafted, uninvited, UNKNOWN. All he does his rookie year is throw 41 touchdown passes and lead a Rams team that managed 4 wins the previous season to their first Super Bowl Championship. Oh yeah, something about an MVP and a Super Bowl MVP as well. He would go on to win another MVP, make 4 Pro-Bowls, and become only the second qb to lead two different teams to the Super Bowl. In three Super Bowl appearances Kurt averaged 385 yards a game! If Tom Brady was the draft day steal of the century, then Kurt has got to be the undrafted equivalent.
I doubt if this will ever happen again because nowadays the "scouting services" are ranking every kid that moves so the odds of eluding their prying eyes are infentissimal. Forget college. Forget high school. Draft experts are now eyeing pre-teens. I can just see it now "When we come back Mel Kiper will join us to take a look at the top 10 sonograms to watch in 2010!" Farewell to Captain Kurt, the closest thing to an overnight sensation we may ever have again. He played in 3 Super Bowls, or, one more than some guy name Fav-ruh. Perhaps if Kurt un retires and then retires and then unretires and then retires and then throws a season ending interception three straight years he will get his due.
-----How bad did Scott Boras piss off Brian Cashman by the way??? I'm sure by now you've heard that Boras' client, Johnny "26 homer, great 2 hitter, single handed stealer of game 4 of the world series" Damon, who is also one of the best clubhouse guys EVER, got let go because the Yanks can't afford him. The Yankees have a budget? Something tells me "budget" is Cashman for "Hey Boras, you doosh, your lucky Hank Steinbrenner caved to you on the A-Rod extension or the two of you would be in Toronto for 18 mil a year demanding a trade right now."
-----I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be writing this column because I'm almost certain I'm going to be the fifth starter for the METS this year. Who else do they have?
-----So we're getting another season out of Jersey Shore....I thought Obama said we were a country that doesn't torture? By the way I love those people from Jersey that take pains to point out that most of the cast isn't from Jersey, as if that's their states ONLY problem. That other shore where the senior citizens get bussed in toting oxygen tanks and social security checks isn't a blemish at all...Shoot, Lady Gaga canceled on Atlantic City and something tells me that little troll whore would play the Staten Island Ferry if the dough was right
-----I had Chris Carlin from SNY and previously WFAN in my cab the other day, talked a little NFL, most notably about my Oakland Raiders, we came to the conclusion that the only way for them to be good again is for Al Davis to die...I'm just putting it out there for you guys before I post the ad on Craigs List...Carlin, by the way, was one of those people who pointed out the Jersey Shore cast wasn't from there!!!! Cool dude, though, one of those people who's voice could make him sound dickish but is definately a softie...He'd probably play Santa at the holiday party...
-----Also saw Mike Huckabee outside Fox News on 6th ave and he is eating like he's going to the chair-and not the host's chair either
-----I'm still stuck on the Kurt Warner thing for some reason. The way I see it, the only thing that could keep him out of the Hall on the first ballot is his wife's hair. But just to be safe Warner fans let's destroy every copy of the game tapes from the Giant years...
-----One week until Colts/Saints and I'm yet to find ANYONE who thinks the Saints can do this...that alone is reason for me to think they can but stay tuned as the pick will be out on Friday. I have to remind everyone I went 2-0 (Colts -7' / +Vikes 3' ) last week because my man Bower made a point to tell all of North America that I ate it on the Cowboys the week before. I didn't even eat it, I drank it, the Cowboys got put in a juicer, I was never in it.
-----So Tim Tebow looked bad running a pro-style offense for a day and that's supposed to be the end of the guy? How did Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman, to name a few, look after a FULL SEASON of running a pro offense? Just askin'
-----I saw Miss Virginia win Miss USA last night with Rush Limbaugh sitting in as a judge. She was the only black finalist. I'm sure under any other President she would've lost but under the "socialist, marxist, wealth redisributing administration" we have right now it only makes sense that she won. Can't wait for his show Monday when he proclaims that he hopes she fails!!! Listening to Rush, Levin, Hannity, Savage, BECK, ya start to wonder if they really hate this Obama fellow or if maybe, just maybe, juuuuuussssssttttt maaaaayyyyyybbeeeeeee....they have to oppose every word he says because it's good business. Juuuuuuuuussssssssstttttttt maybe, these ENTERTAINERS, are doing what's best for their show and it's, I mean their, bottom lines.
-----The other day I heard Rush bitch that Obama is handling 911 like it was a crime...last I checked killing a few thousand people WAS AGAINST THE LAW in just about every state I know of, and while I didn't find any laws that said it was illegal to steal a plane and fly it into a building, I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon in most circles.
Kurt Warner played his college ball at Northern Iowa where he was able to parlay his on field success into a prolific career as a grocery bagger. There were stints in arena football and NFL Europe but it was mostly "paper or plastic" until the St.Louis Rams took a flier on him in 1998 and made him a backup to a couple of Big Guns named Tony Banks and Steve Bono. In 1999 the Rams signed Trent Green to be their starting qb only to lose him for the year to injury during the third pre season game. Coach Dick Vermeil actually wept at the press conference. (To be fair Vermeil wept at everything, he was the NFL equivalent of Glenn Beck, but sincere... I can't imagine watching the Notebook with those two?)
In stepped Kurt Warner, undrafted, uninvited, UNKNOWN. All he does his rookie year is throw 41 touchdown passes and lead a Rams team that managed 4 wins the previous season to their first Super Bowl Championship. Oh yeah, something about an MVP and a Super Bowl MVP as well. He would go on to win another MVP, make 4 Pro-Bowls, and become only the second qb to lead two different teams to the Super Bowl. In three Super Bowl appearances Kurt averaged 385 yards a game! If Tom Brady was the draft day steal of the century, then Kurt has got to be the undrafted equivalent.
I doubt if this will ever happen again because nowadays the "scouting services" are ranking every kid that moves so the odds of eluding their prying eyes are infentissimal. Forget college. Forget high school. Draft experts are now eyeing pre-teens. I can just see it now "When we come back Mel Kiper will join us to take a look at the top 10 sonograms to watch in 2010!" Farewell to Captain Kurt, the closest thing to an overnight sensation we may ever have again. He played in 3 Super Bowls, or, one more than some guy name Fav-ruh. Perhaps if Kurt un retires and then retires and then unretires and then retires and then throws a season ending interception three straight years he will get his due.
-----How bad did Scott Boras piss off Brian Cashman by the way??? I'm sure by now you've heard that Boras' client, Johnny "26 homer, great 2 hitter, single handed stealer of game 4 of the world series" Damon, who is also one of the best clubhouse guys EVER, got let go because the Yanks can't afford him. The Yankees have a budget? Something tells me "budget" is Cashman for "Hey Boras, you doosh, your lucky Hank Steinbrenner caved to you on the A-Rod extension or the two of you would be in Toronto for 18 mil a year demanding a trade right now."
-----I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be writing this column because I'm almost certain I'm going to be the fifth starter for the METS this year. Who else do they have?
-----So we're getting another season out of Jersey Shore....I thought Obama said we were a country that doesn't torture? By the way I love those people from Jersey that take pains to point out that most of the cast isn't from Jersey, as if that's their states ONLY problem. That other shore where the senior citizens get bussed in toting oxygen tanks and social security checks isn't a blemish at all...Shoot, Lady Gaga canceled on Atlantic City and something tells me that little troll whore would play the Staten Island Ferry if the dough was right
-----I had Chris Carlin from SNY and previously WFAN in my cab the other day, talked a little NFL, most notably about my Oakland Raiders, we came to the conclusion that the only way for them to be good again is for Al Davis to die...I'm just putting it out there for you guys before I post the ad on Craigs List...Carlin, by the way, was one of those people who pointed out the Jersey Shore cast wasn't from there!!!! Cool dude, though, one of those people who's voice could make him sound dickish but is definately a softie...He'd probably play Santa at the holiday party...
-----Also saw Mike Huckabee outside Fox News on 6th ave and he is eating like he's going to the chair-and not the host's chair either
-----I'm still stuck on the Kurt Warner thing for some reason. The way I see it, the only thing that could keep him out of the Hall on the first ballot is his wife's hair. But just to be safe Warner fans let's destroy every copy of the game tapes from the Giant years...
-----One week until Colts/Saints and I'm yet to find ANYONE who thinks the Saints can do this...that alone is reason for me to think they can but stay tuned as the pick will be out on Friday. I have to remind everyone I went 2-0 (Colts -7' / +Vikes 3' ) last week because my man Bower made a point to tell all of North America that I ate it on the Cowboys the week before. I didn't even eat it, I drank it, the Cowboys got put in a juicer, I was never in it.
-----So Tim Tebow looked bad running a pro-style offense for a day and that's supposed to be the end of the guy? How did Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman, to name a few, look after a FULL SEASON of running a pro offense? Just askin'
-----I saw Miss Virginia win Miss USA last night with Rush Limbaugh sitting in as a judge. She was the only black finalist. I'm sure under any other President she would've lost but under the "socialist, marxist, wealth redisributing administration" we have right now it only makes sense that she won. Can't wait for his show Monday when he proclaims that he hopes she fails!!! Listening to Rush, Levin, Hannity, Savage, BECK, ya start to wonder if they really hate this Obama fellow or if maybe, just maybe, juuuuuussssssttttt maaaaayyyyyybbeeeeeee....they have to oppose every word he says because it's good business. Juuuuuuuuussssssssstttttttt maybe, these ENTERTAINERS, are doing what's best for their show and it's, I mean their, bottom lines.
-----The other day I heard Rush bitch that Obama is handling 911 like it was a crime...last I checked killing a few thousand people WAS AGAINST THE LAW in just about every state I know of, and while I didn't find any laws that said it was illegal to steal a plane and fly it into a building, I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon in most circles.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tim Tebow's Near Death Experience
Ok so before I get to the whole Tim Tebow's mom's Super Bowl Commercial thing I've just gotta know. The olympic figure skater John Weir, the one in trouble because his outfit may have featured real fur, is he the guy that played the "homo" in Wedding Crashers that sodomized Vince Vaugh? If not I've got a couple of great halloween costumes for both of those dudes.
Now back to this whole Super Bowl fiasco. Apparently an ad is going to air in which Tim Tebow's mom divulges that she was advised to have an abortion while pregnant with Tim because of complications with the pregnancy. Ultimately she chose door number 2 and was rewarded with a Heisman Trophy Winner and 2 time National Champion son. Apparently a pro choice group is protesting, saying the Super Bowl is hardly the forum for such a discussion. After all there will be kids watching!!!!
So let me get this straight. The commercial where the kids see people drinking beer is fine. The commercial where a 60 year old man can finally get a hard on is A-OK. The go-daddy commercials where Danica Patrick does everything except go-down on another girl, no sweat. Even the victoria secret lingerie bowl is fine for the kids. But the one where they are told it's ok not to kill babies...that's the one that has to go??? Really? Ok. Fine. That sounds perfectly logical!!!
I don't see how this commercial would bother a person a pro choice person. I mean after all, ISN'T LIFE ONE OF THE CHOICES???? Perhaps, dare I say, there are pro-choice people who AREN'T ACTUALLY PRO-CHOICE UNLESS IT'S THEIR CHOICE, i.e. ABORTION? Just asking.
People will protest anything. And if you don't believe me go ask the fine folks in Punxsatawney, Pennsylvania, home of the world famous groundhog. PETA is calling for the century old groundhog emergence to be done with a robotic groundhog. They're claiming all of the cameras and noise are cruel to a groundhog, which makes perfect sense because every groundhog I've talked to swears by his silent time. How the FUC# would they know??
The lesson here for those of you still reading (the ones who aren't Democrat friends of mine from San Francisco) is that sometimes specialized groups need to stay relevant so they get together and protest high profile events, knowing they'll fail but hopefully bring some publicity to their cause in the process. Hence the rally outside of Punxsatawney Phil's condo next week.
And while we're sort of talking politics here...can we change the phrase wall street to main street to something else?? It's been two years of the same phrase everyday!!! How about Wall St to Peachtree St? Wall Street to Euclid Ave???? Just sayin'......And I know it's a bad economy but don't get in my cab with fake poverty stories. You know the ones where people who are fine don't wanna give away the monopoly on miserable so they delude themselves into a hardship state of mind? A woman told me yesterday that the economy is so bad that her and her husband have decided to put off remodeling their kitchen. They had the granite counter top picked out and everything!!!!!!! But alas, they've decided to wait. Pray for her! Poor is when you're using a tube of toothpaste so thoroughly that you now have it in a vice grip to get the last mili-ounce of paste out. That's the real litmus test. There is a direct corelation between the percentage of a toothpaste tube you use before buying a new one and how well you are doing financially.
If you asked a hundred people who the best NBA player was over the past fifteen years none of them would say Tim Duncan. And you know something? All hundred would be wrong. Tim Duncan is the NBA's equivalent of the sun rising every day. And he does it all without a peep. Or a tweet. 4 championships and you never hear a word about the guy. Could you imagine the hysteria if Lebron, the most hyped player ever, actually won one championship?? Forget 4 four titles that Duncan has bagged, just one title for Lebron! Obama would be HIS vice president!!!!! They'd make a federal holiday out of his birthday! I mean shucks, if Lebron could do ten percent of what Duncan's done the NBA would be so popular that PETA would be protesting the fact that the balls are made of leather.
Now back to this whole Super Bowl fiasco. Apparently an ad is going to air in which Tim Tebow's mom divulges that she was advised to have an abortion while pregnant with Tim because of complications with the pregnancy. Ultimately she chose door number 2 and was rewarded with a Heisman Trophy Winner and 2 time National Champion son. Apparently a pro choice group is protesting, saying the Super Bowl is hardly the forum for such a discussion. After all there will be kids watching!!!!
So let me get this straight. The commercial where the kids see people drinking beer is fine. The commercial where a 60 year old man can finally get a hard on is A-OK. The go-daddy commercials where Danica Patrick does everything except go-down on another girl, no sweat. Even the victoria secret lingerie bowl is fine for the kids. But the one where they are told it's ok not to kill babies...that's the one that has to go??? Really? Ok. Fine. That sounds perfectly logical!!!
I don't see how this commercial would bother a person a pro choice person. I mean after all, ISN'T LIFE ONE OF THE CHOICES???? Perhaps, dare I say, there are pro-choice people who AREN'T ACTUALLY PRO-CHOICE UNLESS IT'S THEIR CHOICE, i.e. ABORTION? Just asking.
People will protest anything. And if you don't believe me go ask the fine folks in Punxsatawney, Pennsylvania, home of the world famous groundhog. PETA is calling for the century old groundhog emergence to be done with a robotic groundhog. They're claiming all of the cameras and noise are cruel to a groundhog, which makes perfect sense because every groundhog I've talked to swears by his silent time. How the FUC# would they know??
The lesson here for those of you still reading (the ones who aren't Democrat friends of mine from San Francisco) is that sometimes specialized groups need to stay relevant so they get together and protest high profile events, knowing they'll fail but hopefully bring some publicity to their cause in the process. Hence the rally outside of Punxsatawney Phil's condo next week.
And while we're sort of talking politics here...can we change the phrase wall street to main street to something else?? It's been two years of the same phrase everyday!!! How about Wall St to Peachtree St? Wall Street to Euclid Ave???? Just sayin'......And I know it's a bad economy but don't get in my cab with fake poverty stories. You know the ones where people who are fine don't wanna give away the monopoly on miserable so they delude themselves into a hardship state of mind? A woman told me yesterday that the economy is so bad that her and her husband have decided to put off remodeling their kitchen. They had the granite counter top picked out and everything!!!!!!! But alas, they've decided to wait. Pray for her! Poor is when you're using a tube of toothpaste so thoroughly that you now have it in a vice grip to get the last mili-ounce of paste out. That's the real litmus test. There is a direct corelation between the percentage of a toothpaste tube you use before buying a new one and how well you are doing financially.
If you asked a hundred people who the best NBA player was over the past fifteen years none of them would say Tim Duncan. And you know something? All hundred would be wrong. Tim Duncan is the NBA's equivalent of the sun rising every day. And he does it all without a peep. Or a tweet. 4 championships and you never hear a word about the guy. Could you imagine the hysteria if Lebron, the most hyped player ever, actually won one championship?? Forget 4 four titles that Duncan has bagged, just one title for Lebron! Obama would be HIS vice president!!!!! They'd make a federal holiday out of his birthday! I mean shucks, if Lebron could do ten percent of what Duncan's done the NBA would be so popular that PETA would be protesting the fact that the balls are made of leather.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Championship Weekend a.k.a who went and who HAS GOT TO GO
Ok so I wanna do this in 20 minutes because I'm fucki@# exhausted. Just some quick hits on championship weekend.....Is it possible that we could resurrect the act of stoning just for the guy who insists on putting that retarded robot on the side of every Fox graphic? Seriously, how did it ever get this far? We hate promos. But throw in a graphic of a down syndrome robot in shoulder pads doing the electric slide and not only do we hate the promos but we now hate you. I'm trying to see the replay of the 47th adrian peterson fumble and instead they've got the tart bot playing air guitar during a promo for "Human Target". I've got a great idea for a human target: You Mr. Patronizing fox producer.....
...........Has Challenger the bald eagle landed yet? During the national anthem of the Colts/Jets the fine folks at Lucas Oil Stadium decided to bring in Challenger, that past it's prime bald eagle that used to fly to the pitchers mound before playoff games at Yankee Stadium. It was a post 9/11 patriotic deal where they'd finish the anthem release the bird and he'd do a b-line to his handlers arm atop the mound. The crowd loved it. That is until two years later when old Chally started pulling a Super Tramp and taking the long way home. He'd circle the mound, fly over the backstop, take a dump, you name it. It actually became a distraction from the anthem so they stopped it. Well there I was watching the conclusion of Francis Scott Key's song (talk about a one hit wonder, what else has F.S. Key ever written) and in comes Challenger. At first I didn't know if it was planned or if he was still flying from game 6 of the 2003 world series. Sure enough the handler was on a stage and sure enough Challenger flew right by. Stunner! If you tivoed the game you will see that they tried to stay on him for the landing but ultimately went to commercial when they couldn't get him to land.....
.....How about this stat for Brett Favre: 2007 Packers Last pass INTERCEPTION
2008 Jets Last pass " "
2009 Vikings Last pass "yup, you guessed it"
If your like me your not wondering how his last throw of 2010 will turn out your just wondering what team he'll be playing for when he throws it. It's time by the way for all the greatest qb of all time talk to stop with this dude. Admire him for his grit, his competitive fire, his cannon arm, and his incredible durability, but stop insulting our intelligence and referring to him as the best ever. Especially not when Archie's kid is playing 2 channels over, IN HIS PRIME. Favre isn't in the top five of all time. If you're wondering that list looks like this:
1. Montana
2.(and Climbing) P. Manning
3. T. Brady
4. Elway
5. Marino
.....Did Boomer Esiason die? I was watching him on the air yesterday and wondering who was the corpse, him or the person applying his makeup. He looks like weekend at boomer's. Dude we know Carton is grating as hell but geez, Boom. You look like an old southwest ad "wanna get away"
....Who are the best fans in the world? Everybody who wins a championship, or a disputed one (hello NCAA football) thanks their fans who are "the greatest fans in the world" In the past 6 months I've seen the Yankees do it, the Crimson Tide do it, Jimmy Johnson do it, Peyton Manning do it, even Jim Tressel after the Rose Bowl. But only one of these guys can be right. Maybe we should have a battle royal to figure out just who should lay claim to the moniker. For my money, I take Jimmy Johnson's fan's because Nascar Fans jerk off to "Future Weapons" on the Military Channel. Well that and a certain former Governor of Alaska
.......Any moron out there who doesn't believe in "momentum" in sports should have to watch the Colts final first half drive and then tell me exactly what that nine letter word was that EVERY MEMBER OF THE JETS DEFENSE USED IN DESCRIBING WHAT THAT DRIVE DID FOR THE COLTS GOING INTO THE LOCKER ROOM. If the players believe in momentum, why don't some fans? Maybe you can define the way the world works while your holding a controller and pressing the R1 button or the analog stick but in the real world of big boy sports there are real things that impact a game. Such as: Momentum. I'm not saying it's the only factor. It is "a" factor. But sometimes it just seems like the only one.
......and by the way lets kill all the "Colts shouldn't have benched their starters in the last two weeks" talk because the same people bitching that they didn't try for perfection would be the same ones calling for Jim Caldwell's noggin if Peyton were to get hurt during either of those games. Period. It was, no pun intended, a no-win situation for Los Colts....
..........I'm calling a sex tape for Snooki from "Jersey Shore". Assuming the show will keep her relevant for another year, I set my over under at 18 months. Place your bets.
.........Take heart all ye Jet Fans. It was a season of immense progress. I'm not talking the birth of a franchise qb or a couple of playoff wins either. Last week, for the first time in my 33 years I caught people pretending to be Jet Fans. As in, it was cool to say you were a Jet fan. Tell me that aint a big leap foward!!!
.............G'night Ned. G'night Ned. (what movie for extra credit)
Jimmy Failla can be reached at JIMFAILLA@yahoo.com or the Ann Service Taxi Dispatch on w' 21st street because he's making something of his life. Honest.
...........Has Challenger the bald eagle landed yet? During the national anthem of the Colts/Jets the fine folks at Lucas Oil Stadium decided to bring in Challenger, that past it's prime bald eagle that used to fly to the pitchers mound before playoff games at Yankee Stadium. It was a post 9/11 patriotic deal where they'd finish the anthem release the bird and he'd do a b-line to his handlers arm atop the mound. The crowd loved it. That is until two years later when old Chally started pulling a Super Tramp and taking the long way home. He'd circle the mound, fly over the backstop, take a dump, you name it. It actually became a distraction from the anthem so they stopped it. Well there I was watching the conclusion of Francis Scott Key's song (talk about a one hit wonder, what else has F.S. Key ever written) and in comes Challenger. At first I didn't know if it was planned or if he was still flying from game 6 of the 2003 world series. Sure enough the handler was on a stage and sure enough Challenger flew right by. Stunner! If you tivoed the game you will see that they tried to stay on him for the landing but ultimately went to commercial when they couldn't get him to land.....
.....How about this stat for Brett Favre: 2007 Packers Last pass INTERCEPTION
2008 Jets Last pass " "
2009 Vikings Last pass "yup, you guessed it"
If your like me your not wondering how his last throw of 2010 will turn out your just wondering what team he'll be playing for when he throws it. It's time by the way for all the greatest qb of all time talk to stop with this dude. Admire him for his grit, his competitive fire, his cannon arm, and his incredible durability, but stop insulting our intelligence and referring to him as the best ever. Especially not when Archie's kid is playing 2 channels over, IN HIS PRIME. Favre isn't in the top five of all time. If you're wondering that list looks like this:
1. Montana
2.(and Climbing) P. Manning
3. T. Brady
4. Elway
5. Marino
.....Did Boomer Esiason die? I was watching him on the air yesterday and wondering who was the corpse, him or the person applying his makeup. He looks like weekend at boomer's. Dude we know Carton is grating as hell but geez, Boom. You look like an old southwest ad "wanna get away"
....Who are the best fans in the world? Everybody who wins a championship, or a disputed one (hello NCAA football) thanks their fans who are "the greatest fans in the world" In the past 6 months I've seen the Yankees do it, the Crimson Tide do it, Jimmy Johnson do it, Peyton Manning do it, even Jim Tressel after the Rose Bowl. But only one of these guys can be right. Maybe we should have a battle royal to figure out just who should lay claim to the moniker. For my money, I take Jimmy Johnson's fan's because Nascar Fans jerk off to "Future Weapons" on the Military Channel. Well that and a certain former Governor of Alaska
.......Any moron out there who doesn't believe in "momentum" in sports should have to watch the Colts final first half drive and then tell me exactly what that nine letter word was that EVERY MEMBER OF THE JETS DEFENSE USED IN DESCRIBING WHAT THAT DRIVE DID FOR THE COLTS GOING INTO THE LOCKER ROOM. If the players believe in momentum, why don't some fans? Maybe you can define the way the world works while your holding a controller and pressing the R1 button or the analog stick but in the real world of big boy sports there are real things that impact a game. Such as: Momentum. I'm not saying it's the only factor. It is "a" factor. But sometimes it just seems like the only one.
......and by the way lets kill all the "Colts shouldn't have benched their starters in the last two weeks" talk because the same people bitching that they didn't try for perfection would be the same ones calling for Jim Caldwell's noggin if Peyton were to get hurt during either of those games. Period. It was, no pun intended, a no-win situation for Los Colts....
..........I'm calling a sex tape for Snooki from "Jersey Shore". Assuming the show will keep her relevant for another year, I set my over under at 18 months. Place your bets.
.........Take heart all ye Jet Fans. It was a season of immense progress. I'm not talking the birth of a franchise qb or a couple of playoff wins either. Last week, for the first time in my 33 years I caught people pretending to be Jet Fans. As in, it was cool to say you were a Jet fan. Tell me that aint a big leap foward!!!
.............G'night Ned. G'night Ned. (what movie for extra credit)
Jimmy Failla can be reached at JIMFAILLA@yahoo.com or the Ann Service Taxi Dispatch on w' 21st street because he's making something of his life. Honest.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Ninja Parents
I wanna take a moment to talk to you about Ninja Parents. Contrary to what you might think, Ninja Parents is not the title of an upcoming movie starring Jackie Chan and Robin Williams. It is the name given to the parents of a new born who attempt to do ANYTHING around the house after the little dooshbag, I mean blessing from the good lord above, has gone to bed for the night.
For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.
I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.
My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.
Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.
I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.
For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.
I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.
My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.
Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.
I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Don't Wait For My Parking Spot at The Gym
Now I know you'd never know from looking at me but I actually belong to a gym. Do I seriously think I'll ever be in any kind of shape? Hell no but I feel like I owe it to the poor bastards who cross paths with me to atleast make an effort. It's the least I can do. I mean after all, we're all in this life fiasco together and we should take every chance we get to help one another. The way I see it if you don't feel an obligation to make yourself a little easier on the eyes then you should atleast make yourself a little more entertaining for the people you've turned your back on. You wanna weigh four balloons? Fine. But do me a favor and walk down the street double fisting Suzie Q's. Bare hand some lomein. Give us a few laughs and show us what bein' four balloons is all about goshdang it!!! Then atleast you'll contribute something to the universe besides uncomfortable moments for everyone in the room that watches you put your ass in the front stomach onto your desk when you sit down in your cubicle.
Wich brings us back to the gym. I know january is a really crowded month in the gym because everyone has made their new year's resolutions and I'm fine with it. I have no problem with all the people who've gone out and bought matching new everything to wear to their sessions with their new trainer. I can even deal with the weird guys that show up in jeans and run on a treadmill. (there are some spanish dudes in my gym that even have dress shoes on!!!) But what I can't tolerate are the people in the parking lot who follow me to my car and wait for the closest parking space possible!!! It drives me insane.
You know the deal, you walk out of the gym and all of a sudden there's a mini van lurking behind you at on mile an hour like a chase scene in a Steve McQueen movie is about to break out. Sometimes I wanna sprint off and see if they follow me. Go against traffic, knock over a fruit stand (its not a true chase scene without one). Maybe fire a few rounds at them and do a barrel role behind a parked van. Anything to make it seem like it isn't exactly what it is. A person who is going to the gym to workout yet somehow wasting ten minutes to get the closest parking spot possible.
I get doing it at the mall. I understand doing it at the movies on a saturday night. But at the gym? The whole point of going is to get exercise!! If your trying to weed out the extra twenty feet of walking your pretty much conceding that exercise isn't a high priority. Again, I am no show pony. But you don't have to be a show pony to know a retarded act when you see one. So lets make a rule. I know nobody can agree on healthcare, the designated hitter, or wether or not we should have a playoff in college football but surely we can all agree that waiting for the close spot at the gym should be banned. If you agree say aye' and if you disagree just go back to bare handing lomein.
Wich brings us back to the gym. I know january is a really crowded month in the gym because everyone has made their new year's resolutions and I'm fine with it. I have no problem with all the people who've gone out and bought matching new everything to wear to their sessions with their new trainer. I can even deal with the weird guys that show up in jeans and run on a treadmill. (there are some spanish dudes in my gym that even have dress shoes on!!!) But what I can't tolerate are the people in the parking lot who follow me to my car and wait for the closest parking space possible!!! It drives me insane.
You know the deal, you walk out of the gym and all of a sudden there's a mini van lurking behind you at on mile an hour like a chase scene in a Steve McQueen movie is about to break out. Sometimes I wanna sprint off and see if they follow me. Go against traffic, knock over a fruit stand (its not a true chase scene without one). Maybe fire a few rounds at them and do a barrel role behind a parked van. Anything to make it seem like it isn't exactly what it is. A person who is going to the gym to workout yet somehow wasting ten minutes to get the closest parking spot possible.
I get doing it at the mall. I understand doing it at the movies on a saturday night. But at the gym? The whole point of going is to get exercise!! If your trying to weed out the extra twenty feet of walking your pretty much conceding that exercise isn't a high priority. Again, I am no show pony. But you don't have to be a show pony to know a retarded act when you see one. So lets make a rule. I know nobody can agree on healthcare, the designated hitter, or wether or not we should have a playoff in college football but surely we can all agree that waiting for the close spot at the gym should be banned. If you agree say aye' and if you disagree just go back to bare handing lomein.
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