The Chase is On!!!

I know a lot of you (3 people) must be wondering where the hell I've been the past week well the good news is I'm alive. Barely. Ya see I'm 33 and I have a baby which sounds pretty ordinary until you realize what 33 with a baby makes me a prime candidate for the one of the leading male killers in the united states today. No I'm not talking about smoking or drunk driving I'm talking about THE MINI-VAN. The big MV. No ones cool ever recovers from the big MV.

I know some of you might be reading this and saying to yourself, hey wait a minute I drive a mini van and I'm cool. Well the good news is you are, providing you own a TIME MACHINE. Get in your mini van and go back to the 1600's and you'll be like the guy who put small pox in it's place. People will be blown away. But get in a minivan and go anywhere in 2010 and chicks will flea your presence quicker than you can say third row of seating with removable head rests.

Don't get me wrong, I realize I'm not cool anymore. You pretty much make peace with that when you go in to pickup your cab in the morning and there's a Uguanden guy whose been in the country a half hour that's also doing the gig. Earlier than that, really. Basically your cool expires the first time anyone calls you sir. Sir is like coolness kryptonite. You could be walking down the street with a wad of dough, a 9 foot tall Brazilian super model, and a Maybach waiting to take you to a three way with the models twin sister and if somebody calls you sir you may not even have time to process it but the damage is done. Once a sir gets shot into the universe on your behalf its like society gets an rss feed from a universal database updating your coolness. It's all downhill Mr. Super model shagger, take it from a pro.

I was called sir about 3 years ago by a nineteen year old girl I was checking out at Carolines before a show. I was sitting at the bar having an amstel light feeling ok. A hot girl comes by with those boots that go so high they basically turn into a turtle neck. My first instinct is of course to notice. I mean shit I'm married but I'm not dead, is what I told myself. And then she made a hard u-turn and walks right towards me. At that point I'm like well Jimbo, what can I say you still got it. Fast foward thirty seconds later when she's just asked "Sir" if he knows where they can go to smoke a cigarette and I've just told her. Now I'm saying to myself well Jimbo, you've still got it, those directions to the smoking area!!!!

I laughed and laughed. For one I deserved it for checking out women with a wedding ring on tight and two I had no idea how badly I needed it. Waving goodbye to your cool is the most liberating thing a guy can do. It's like a free pass to cut every style and appearance corner imaginable. There's no more pressure. No one expects anything from you. Your part of the forgotten bunch. That three hundred million or so group of people that are free to assault drive throughs, buy McMansions, get fat, force our kids to do something athletic year round and complain about the popular music of the day. Basically, when you wave goodbye to your cool you wave goodbye to giving a shit.

Now, having said all that, there is a difference between knowing your not cool and broadcasting it to the world and that's where me an the mini van go our separate, four thousand pound ways. Philosophically anyway. I've got a wife, a baby, and a golden retriever to contend with so I must stand vigilant. At any point those creature comforts can swallow me whole. Keep running, JIM, YOU UNCOOL SLOB YOU.

The Great Snow Day Debate

So we've got us an honest to goodness, stay at home, snow day. Or as my wife said WHILE HOPPING UP AND DOWN ON OUR BED AFTER HER BOSS CALLED TO GIVE HER THE DAY...."SNOW DAY MOTHER-F#$!ER!!!!!!" I'd love to tell you that her impromptu trampolene show had a second act but alas...we're married.

A snow day is like a trip to a mythical land where time truly stands still. It's incredible when you think about it. I mean, you got to bed with classes to attend, or presentations to make but then you wake up and a day has been inserted between last night and this morning!!!! You know, the "this morning" that was supposed to be filled with stuff to do? GONE! Replace with a consequence free version of this morning that will stand alone in the universe forever. F is for f#@!$ng and A is for Awesome.

Forget getting dressed or polishing up on the weak part of your powerpoint show, you've got a couple of Clint Eastwood marathons to watch homie!!! No Clint, no problem! It's a snow day. One of the few all skates you will ever have in your working class, adult life, so knock yourself out, literally, if you so choose. Today could be the day you break your all time pop tart consumption record. Maybe you finally get around to renaming your porn clips so your woman doesn't find them. My favorite, from my best pal in high school "hockey's greatest fights". The theory being, the more unappealing the title, the less likely you are to get caught. I don't suggest renaming porn clips for everybody out there. You've gotta be good at it. I once had another buddy who changed "Tracy I love you" to "Love Actually". Breakup, actually. As Woody Allen and Larry David attempted to say 2 years ago, "Whatever Works".

So I'm in the mood to play a little Madden Football but I'm trying to figure out what the acceptable cutoff is for playing a video game out of season. I mean growing up the unspoken rule was always the Pro-Bowl but that has definately changed for two reasons. One, the Pro Bowl is now before the Super Bowl which means you'd have to quit Madden BEFORE the Super Bowl. File that one under NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Ask any true gamer about the seminal football games he's played in his life and a good majority of them will have occured right after Super Sunday. It's just too inspiring of a time, video game wise. The Super Bowl is to playing Madden what Christmas is to playing Nat King Cole. Or that Billy Squire Song. Just Not that "we drank a toast to innocence" train wreck.

The second reason you can't quit is that even if the Pro Bowl were after the Super Bowl, the video games themselves have improved so profoundly that to just quit cold turkey is outta the question until they come up with the Madden equivalent of Methodone. It was different back when the men were all square and the ball didn't travel in the air (I had INTELLIVISION). Now they're so lifelike you can design their tattoos, upload your face to the game, basically do everything but figure out which state they'll get their DWI's in and make their United Way commercials in. But wait til 2011!!

That being said we need a cutoff because there's no dirtier feeling than playing your 34th season on franchise while you can hear your neighbor's kids on their slip and slide. It's the gamers walk of shame.

There are three basic Madden philosophies. The Super Bowl stoppers, which we've addressed, heretefore to be mentioned as the Old Testament. Then there are the year rounders. The guys who NEVER stop. So many seasons that I'm not even sure they're playing football anymore. Everyone knows that dude who's team has just become the only franchise in history to have a father, son, and grandson, quarterback the team to a Super Bowl Championship. Never mind that the team plays in UTAH!!!! Someone once told me those guys needed help. No those guys need a vagina. Then there's the phase in phase outers. Alot of people go with the phase out phase in. The old temporary stop. Like they're taking a congressional recess from Madden.

This is probably the answer long term because it allows you to keep going but at the same time forces you to stop and be a part of the outside world for a few weeks. We've all lived in a Madden bubble at times. It's scary how removed from the outside world you can become. Really important life moments are occurring and all you can think about it is that tight end screen you've perfected in the single back twin wide reciever formation. If you were capable of stopping and thinking about it in the moment, you'd realize how scary it really is.

This would all be so much simpler if there was a baseball game that really could hang with Madden but there isn't. Face it. Don't bring up MLB The Show because after playing Madden for 8 months playing MLB is like living in New York City. No matter how good people say it is they're mostly spiritually and emotionally bankrupt from the experience. I know, I lived there. You keep telling yourself how great it is as a way of tuning out all of the indignities you suffer to be there.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've told myself the city is great while handing over three dimes each month to hear my neighbor's farts when I'm in MY bathroom. Or how many times I told myself the city was great while having my face squished between an armpit and a transvestites thigh on the subway. MLB is the same way. You tell people it's great all the time! Then you hit a 2 out bases loaded single and none of the runners move off their bases and you get forced out at second by a centerfielder throwing from the warning track faster than you can say "I WAS PUSHING THE X BUTTON THE WHOLE GODDAM TIME!!".

Devoid of a clear cut answer and with no true sports gaming alternative in sight, I look inward for the answer and come to a personal moment that I will share.

The night I met my wife I was completely convinced of two things and two things alone. One, I had to marry her. And two, Kurt Warner was a better fit than Eli Manning for my NY Giants playstation team. In no particular order. I can remember meeting her at a show and looking right into her eyes and going to myself, "dude, I know this girl or something" and then I remember her telling me this story about going to the state championships in volleyball back in her high school days and I had an epiphany where I realized Warner had a more accurate arm and we'd be able to offset his mobility issues if we just ran a few more short routes. It was at that point that I knew I had to stop. And then start again. Phase in. Phase out.

The truth is, Madden is incredible these days and there's no reason to stop doing anything incredible especially when you read the fisrt 3 pages of ANY newspaper so I think I've answered my own question. I'm a phase in, phase outer. Happy snow day mother f#@!ers!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Sources Tell ESPN The Sun Will RiseTomorrow

Bristol, CT- Sources at ESPN have been informed that the sun will rise tomorrow. It was unclear how the network got their hands on such a highly classified piece of information until super sleuth Chris Mortensen appeared on Sportscenter last night to take ownership of the story. Speaking to Scott Van Pelt, who was busy making sure Mort wasn't actually being impersonated by a Howard Stern employee, Mortensen did not spare any of the salacious details.

"My sources around the league have confirmed that the sun will indeed be rising tomorrow. This was not something easy to break because you wanna be spot on when it's a story this big so I made sure to confirm and reconfirm it before coming on the show Scott."

After expressing astonishment and interrupting the report to promote Mortensen's blog as well as the ESPN website, fantasy leagues, classic sports channel, ESPN 2, and a bowling competition coming up Sunday morning, Van Pelt pried another whopper out of his subject.

"Not only have multiple league wide sources confirmed the rising of the sun but they spoke with much greater specificity Scott. According to some well placed moles, the sun will be coming up in the EAST and setting in the WEST."

At that point Van Pelt broke into a state of multiple pro-longed orgasm not unlike those associated with tantric sex and began screeming the names of ESPN programs while speaking in tongues. He was then dunked in holy water by Chris Berman who was able to administer the said dunking while holding an entire six foot party hero in his left hand.

There have been no official statements put out by the the network yet but if the sun does rise tomorrow it will continue a streak of 4 billion consecutive sun rises and put it just 1 billion appearances short of the all time record held by the clock ESPN shows to promote various unintersting programs coming up on the network.

From Buddhism To Booty and Back Again- Breaking Down The Lies Of Tiger

If your like me you found yourself watching Tiger promise to turn it all around yesterday and the whole time you were thinking: Great, just what this country needs, ANOTHER HALF BLACK GUY TALKING ABOUT CHANGE. Say this for Tiger. He really makes you reapprecitate Barry Obama's ability to read a speech. Tiger read that copy like the salesman at the car dealership who has 2 lines in the small budget tv commercial they film for the Big Memorial Day Weekend. Come - on - Down - to - Bob - Schizuli - Chevrolet -where -Bob -is prac-ti-cal-ly - giving away cars.


According to the text of his made for TV apology to friends and family, Tiger is goin' back to Budhism. Or as LL Cool J would say I'm goin' back to Budhism. Budhism. Budhism. I'm goin' back to Budhism.......I don't think so.

Everyone has been wondering since thanksgiving how a guy of his stature could suffer such a precipitous fall from grace. What could possible drive a man who "had it all" to behave so recklessly? The made for Tv apology said problems started when he stopped paying attention to Buddhism. Yup, Buddhism. Tiger went from worshipping Buddha to worshipping booty.

When you think about it, you can't blame him. I mean Buddha is a fat dude in robes. Booty comes in all shapes and sizes. In Tiger's case though only one will do. Blonde white girls. By the busload. Tiger shacked up with a couple of airplane hangers worth of blondies and never went with a minority gal. Where is Al Sharpton on this one? I'm shocked that he isn't protesting Tiger's philandering. If Nike only employed white spokespeople surely there'd be a boycott, no?

Alright enough of me being a moron. Tiger played the country for dopes yesterday. Period. If he wanted to apologize to his friends and family so bad why did he need to put it on TV? Couldn't he just have them over, or take them all to dinner? The answer is a big fat YES. But that wouldn't do anything in the way of rehabbing his image, which is what this was all about. You can't imagine how many people work on the public relations team of a huge celebrity during a crisis of this magnitude. There were probably a hundred people think tanking on this. Not that it did him any good. Yesterdays show was a well rehearsed short film. It really was. But apparently rehearsal alone won't guarantee a good finished product. Tiger sucked yesterday. Every screenplay has certain devices, certain bases, to be covered in order to really make the message of the film pop for the viewer. Here are the devices of Tiger's Short Film, "From Buddhism to Booty and Back Again".


1. Hold the conference at PGA Headquarters: this was designed to remind the audience that Tiger is still Tiger the golfer and not just Tiger the repentent beaten man. By staging it hear Tiger got to get everyone to think golf without really mentioning golf. You'll notice he didn't really pay much attention to golf during the speech. That was simply to make it appear that he was so devoted to the mission of personal cleansing that it was an after thought to him. Such an after thought that he consulted with the PGA commisioner about staging the event there.

2. Apologize to the members of his charity. What the hell did he apologize to them for? He hasn't done anything to them accept give them money and scholarships. EXACTLY. And by apologizing to them he gets to mention his charity work. This is the classic "hey I'm not such a bad guy" without actually saying it. It's like when parents put their kids vitamins in their apple sauce.

3. Mention his departure from religion. This is done to simplify the rehabilitation process. Convince everyone, INCLUDING SPONSORS, that there is a simple straight path back to good guyville. Go back to Budda and you won't need booty Tiger!!! Apparently buddhists don't get hard ons???

4. Invite family and friends. By inviting his family and friends and not having an actual press conference Tiger was trying to create the illusion that he wasn't concerned with Tiger the celebrity he was concerned with your buddy Tiger. The only problem is he put it on TV on every channel except Playboy and Spice, oddly enough. Tiger did not want to apologize to family and friends yesterday. He wanted to rehab his image. But when he sat down with his strategists and the idea of a press conference came up they realized how destructive it would be for his image to be addressing the horrible details of the affairs. They also figure it was nobodies business. They were right. Errgo, bring the friends and family.

5. Mention his awareness that he shouldn't get a seperate set of rules. This was the ultimate insult. This is a populist move. Hey public, I should be behaving just like the rest of you!!! Ya got that, plumbers, cops, teachers, firemen??? I, TIGER WOODS, should behave just like you! I realized it the other day when I was flying my PRIVATE JET to my THIRD MANSION to meet my CORPORATE SPONSORS for MY NEW VIDEO GAME. So it prompted me to have a press conference to apologizing for my actions....JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO!!!!!! Nothing he did yesterday was by our standard set of rules. It was as celebrity as things get!!!! He didn't take questions on the biggest scandal of his life! Could you or me get away with that??? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Case closed.

So we finally found out what happens if your erection lasts 4 hours and you don't call your doctor. You nail so many women that you have to hold a tv press conference to apologize. Damn, and all this time I thought that line was a marketing ploy!!! I was wrong. Thanks for showing us all what a real marketing ploy looks like Team Tiger.

Tiger You Doosh....Just Win, YOU F*#!$NG BABY!!!

Tiger Woods is a pompous doosh. If you don't believe me, turn on your tv tomorrow around 11, ON ANY CHANNEL, and Tiger will be there to prove my point for me. He is holding a press conference, well not actually, but a press conference is the closest term I have to describe what he is actually doing to explain away his role in our country's biggest sex scandal since Monica Lewinsky went into the humidor business.

It's being billed as an apology but when Tiger speaks there will be no questions, 1 tv camera, and 5 or 6 "associates" in a nearby room. It sounds more like a lethal injection! Only in a lethal injection, the perpetrator isn't in control. Make no mistake about this, TIGER IS IN FULL CONTROL ON THIS. He is havin' it his way right away, as they say over at Burger King. (love their burgers but McDonald's has the fry belt)

No matter what Earl's kid says tomorrow the real message will be this: No questions, 1 camera, 6 "reporters" = WE DO IT MY WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL. What a pompous, arrogant, doosh. This is such a horribly contrived maneuver by a p.r. team that, if it gets any worse, will be asked to handle Obama's healthcare message. (costs have gone up by 600% and 55 million people don't have coverage, yet Obama's camp couldn't convince the country we needed reform!!!!) The move is designed to repair Tiger's image for his sponsors and that's why he isn't taking questions. Obviously any soundbite of him saying the words stripper, wear you out, Perkins parking lot, donkey punch, would be used against him forever so answering questions is out. So is looking like he gives a turd. But I suppose you don't have to convince people you give a turd when you're in control.

He is so used to having his way both on the course and apparently in the parking lots off the course, that even now, when he's genuinely made an ass of himself, he can't even fathom relinquishing control of the mea culpa proceedings. No way. HE'S A SPOILED BABY!! I don't wanna take questions! MOOOOOMMMMMM, the reporters want to ask questions!!!!!

And his wife will be there to take him back so where, I ask, is the lesson in all of this for Tiger? He was able to nail a hundred skanks behind his wife's back (and sorry if he's married and you're banging him, that's SKANKY) and he was able to get his wife right back. He'll also get all of his sponsors and fans back once he starts winning. So why even hold a fake press conference? Nothing he says tomorrow matters. Because in this world of never ending jock forgiveness, noone cares what you do personally, just win. If you don't believe me ask A-Rod, the only guy I've seen lie more than Rush Limbaugh the day Obama won the Nobel. A-Rod won a title and pow! He's Mr. Clean!

So all I ask Tiger, is don't even hold a presser. Not that you really are but you get the point. The setup for this thing is so condescending and at the end of the day we all know you're going to lie your busy little balls off anyway, so just shut up and win. And don't let me here one moronic radio guy (that's you Mike Golic) talk about the lesson he learned in all of this. Please. No matter what he says the only thing this situation has really forced him to learn is to put skanks phone numbers in his phone under guys names from now on. Because believe me if Elin is stupid enough to take him back she is definately stupid enough to fall for that one.

Bomb Scare @ Newark Airport Attracts 40,000 Nets Fans

Newark- A riot broke out at Newark International Airport yesterday after a bomb scare brought forty thousand New Jersey Nets Fans to the threatened terminal in hopes of being part of an explosion. The incident marked the latest in a seemingly endless parade of black eyes for both the embattled airline industry as well as the woebegone NBA franchise.
According to officials, the trouble started when a dispatcher at the Port Authority of NY/NJ recieved a threatening call mentioning a plastic explosive causing higher ups decided to evacuate Terminal C as a precautionary measure. It was at that point that news of the scare reached the airwaves, inspiring thousands of fans of the NBA's worst team to simultaneously decend on the airport in hopes of finding a way out of the teams troubles more reliable than the NBA Lottery.
It took over 400 police officers and National Guardsmen to turn away the angry mob after they stormed the terminal demanding access as a bomb team performed a sweep. When the crowd refused to back down, authorities were forced to resort to tear gas and water cannons to quell the unrest.
"I've never seen anything like it" said red faced Federal Aviation Spokesperson Tim Depauw. "I mean here we are trying to get all of the travelers out in an orderly fashion and all of a sudden a sea of Nets Jerseys just swallows the apron outside the terminal. There's no excuse, we got us a 4-48 ball team down the road from here and we need to be more vigilant. I mean christ, these boys are 3-21 at HOME this year! If that won't make you go looking for the almighty I don't know what will. Whole thing scared the bejesus out of me but thankfully we had the tear gas and the water cannons that we usually use for downtown Newark twice a day. Whew, that was a close one."
As the water cannons bulldozed one and all fans stood in defiance chanting things such as "four and fourty eight an explosion sounds great" and "No Lebron, No Wade, What we Need is a (expletive) grenade."
Miraculously no deaths were reported in the melee although there were twelve injuries reported as well as fourty thousand hurt feelings.

Knicks In Hunt For Another Fat Over Paid Black Guy As Trade Deadline Nears

New York- Desperate to improve on a 19-32 record that only a New Jersey Net could love, the Knicks are said to be in the hunt to land Tracy McGrady from the Houston Rockets as the trade deadline approaches. If in fact they do acquire TMac, who has missed most of the past two seasons and gained about 20 lbs in the process, it will give the Knicks a much needed boost in the fat overpaid black guy department, where they have been lacking since trading Zach Randolph last season.

"To me this deal is a no-brainer because it fortifies us in an area that has been critical to the Knicks identity since Isiah Thomas took over the team from Scott Layden ten years ago" said team president Donnie Walsh, speaking outside the team's always empty practice facility. "When people think of the New York Knicks, they think of fat overpaid black guys that don't try very hard, so we gotta do this".

"Don't get me wrong, we've gotten whiter with David Lee and more athletic with Nate (Robinson) but at the end of the day everybody knows what we're all about and I'm not about to upset the apple cart here. Sure we've got Eddie Curry who is basically a two footed manatee but he never gets near the court these days. TMac is a perfect fit for our system. He's way overpaid, past his prime, and he treats defense like its the H1N1 virus so Mike D'Antoni will love him. I can't think of a better compliment to Jared Jeffries! "

Walsh went on to rate the teams chances of acquiring McGrady at 60-40 and said he hopes to have some news by this Wednesday's loss against the Chicago Bulls.