Tiger Woods is a pompous doosh. If you don't believe me, turn on your tv tomorrow around 11, ON ANY CHANNEL, and Tiger will be there to prove my point for me. He is holding a press conference, well not actually, but a press conference is the closest term I have to describe what he is actually doing to explain away his role in our country's biggest sex scandal since Monica Lewinsky went into the humidor business.
It's being billed as an apology but when Tiger speaks there will be no questions, 1 tv camera, and 5 or 6 "associates" in a nearby room. It sounds more like a lethal injection! Only in a lethal injection, the perpetrator isn't in control. Make no mistake about this, TIGER IS IN FULL CONTROL ON THIS. He is havin' it his way right away, as they say over at Burger King. (love their burgers but McDonald's has the fry belt)
No matter what Earl's kid says tomorrow the real message will be this: No questions, 1 camera, 6 "reporters" = WE DO IT MY WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL. What a pompous, arrogant, doosh. This is such a horribly contrived maneuver by a p.r. team that, if it gets any worse, will be asked to handle Obama's healthcare message. (costs have gone up by 600% and 55 million people don't have coverage, yet Obama's camp couldn't convince the country we needed reform!!!!) The move is designed to repair Tiger's image for his sponsors and that's why he isn't taking questions. Obviously any soundbite of him saying the words stripper, wear you out, Perkins parking lot, donkey punch, would be used against him forever so answering questions is out. So is looking like he gives a turd. But I suppose you don't have to convince people you give a turd when you're in control.
He is so used to having his way both on the course and apparently in the parking lots off the course, that even now, when he's genuinely made an ass of himself, he can't even fathom relinquishing control of the mea culpa proceedings. No way. HE'S A SPOILED BABY!! I don't wanna take questions! MOOOOOMMMMMM, the reporters want to ask questions!!!!!
And his wife will be there to take him back so where, I ask, is the lesson in all of this for Tiger? He was able to nail a hundred skanks behind his wife's back (and sorry if he's married and you're banging him, that's SKANKY) and he was able to get his wife right back. He'll also get all of his sponsors and fans back once he starts winning. So why even hold a fake press conference? Nothing he says tomorrow matters. Because in this world of never ending jock forgiveness, noone cares what you do personally, just win. If you don't believe me ask A-Rod, the only guy I've seen lie more than Rush Limbaugh the day Obama won the Nobel. A-Rod won a title and pow! He's Mr. Clean!
So all I ask Tiger, is don't even hold a presser. Not that you really are but you get the point. The setup for this thing is so condescending and at the end of the day we all know you're going to lie your busy little balls off anyway, so just shut up and win. And don't let me here one moronic radio guy (that's you Mike Golic) talk about the lesson he learned in all of this. Please. No matter what he says the only thing this situation has really forced him to learn is to put skanks phone numbers in his phone under guys names from now on. Because believe me if Elin is stupid enough to take him back she is definately stupid enough to fall for that one.
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