Kurt Warner, age 38, is calling it quits. In addition to being a lock for the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH, he was also the rarest of rare things in this age of all encompassing media: Kurt was a guy who TRULY took a professional sports league by storm. Kurt didn't play his high school ball on ESPN, he didn't come to the league with a 100 million dollar endorsement deal in tow. Not only was Kurt not drafted but he WASN'T EVEN INVITED TO THE COMBINE!
Kurt Warner played his college ball at Northern Iowa where he was able to parlay his on field success into a prolific career as a grocery bagger. There were stints in arena football and NFL Europe but it was mostly "paper or plastic" until the St.Louis Rams took a flier on him in 1998 and made him a backup to a couple of Big Guns named Tony Banks and Steve Bono. In 1999 the Rams signed Trent Green to be their starting qb only to lose him for the year to injury during the third pre season game. Coach Dick Vermeil actually wept at the press conference. (To be fair Vermeil wept at everything, he was the NFL equivalent of Glenn Beck, but sincere... I can't imagine watching the Notebook with those two?)
In stepped Kurt Warner, undrafted, uninvited, UNKNOWN. All he does his rookie year is throw 41 touchdown passes and lead a Rams team that managed 4 wins the previous season to their first Super Bowl Championship. Oh yeah, something about an MVP and a Super Bowl MVP as well. He would go on to win another MVP, make 4 Pro-Bowls, and become only the second qb to lead two different teams to the Super Bowl. In three Super Bowl appearances Kurt averaged 385 yards a game! If Tom Brady was the draft day steal of the century, then Kurt has got to be the undrafted equivalent.
I doubt if this will ever happen again because nowadays the "scouting services" are ranking every kid that moves so the odds of eluding their prying eyes are infentissimal. Forget college. Forget high school. Draft experts are now eyeing pre-teens. I can just see it now "When we come back Mel Kiper will join us to take a look at the top 10 sonograms to watch in 2010!" Farewell to Captain Kurt, the closest thing to an overnight sensation we may ever have again. He played in 3 Super Bowls, or, one more than some guy name Fav-ruh. Perhaps if Kurt un retires and then retires and then unretires and then retires and then throws a season ending interception three straight years he will get his due.
-----How bad did Scott Boras piss off Brian Cashman by the way??? I'm sure by now you've heard that Boras' client, Johnny "26 homer, great 2 hitter, single handed stealer of game 4 of the world series" Damon, who is also one of the best clubhouse guys EVER, got let go because the Yanks can't afford him. The Yankees have a budget? Something tells me "budget" is Cashman for "Hey Boras, you doosh, your lucky Hank Steinbrenner caved to you on the A-Rod extension or the two of you would be in Toronto for 18 mil a year demanding a trade right now."
-----I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be writing this column because I'm almost certain I'm going to be the fifth starter for the METS this year. Who else do they have?
-----So we're getting another season out of Jersey Shore....I thought Obama said we were a country that doesn't torture? By the way I love those people from Jersey that take pains to point out that most of the cast isn't from Jersey, as if that's their states ONLY problem. That other shore where the senior citizens get bussed in toting oxygen tanks and social security checks isn't a blemish at all...Shoot, Lady Gaga canceled on Atlantic City and something tells me that little troll whore would play the Staten Island Ferry if the dough was right
-----I had Chris Carlin from SNY and previously WFAN in my cab the other day, talked a little NFL, most notably about my Oakland Raiders, we came to the conclusion that the only way for them to be good again is for Al Davis to die...I'm just putting it out there for you guys before I post the ad on Craigs List...Carlin, by the way, was one of those people who pointed out the Jersey Shore cast wasn't from there!!!! Cool dude, though, one of those people who's voice could make him sound dickish but is definately a softie...He'd probably play Santa at the holiday party...
-----Also saw Mike Huckabee outside Fox News on 6th ave and he is eating like he's going to the chair-and not the host's chair either
-----I'm still stuck on the Kurt Warner thing for some reason. The way I see it, the only thing that could keep him out of the Hall on the first ballot is his wife's hair. But just to be safe Warner fans let's destroy every copy of the game tapes from the Giant years...
-----One week until Colts/Saints and I'm yet to find ANYONE who thinks the Saints can do this...that alone is reason for me to think they can but stay tuned as the pick will be out on Friday. I have to remind everyone I went 2-0 (Colts -7' / +Vikes 3' ) last week because my man Bower made a point to tell all of North America that I ate it on the Cowboys the week before. I didn't even eat it, I drank it, the Cowboys got put in a juicer, I was never in it.
-----So Tim Tebow looked bad running a pro-style offense for a day and that's supposed to be the end of the guy? How did Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman, to name a few, look after a FULL SEASON of running a pro offense? Just askin'
-----I saw Miss Virginia win Miss USA last night with Rush Limbaugh sitting in as a judge. She was the only black finalist. I'm sure under any other President she would've lost but under the "socialist, marxist, wealth redisributing administration" we have right now it only makes sense that she won. Can't wait for his show Monday when he proclaims that he hopes she fails!!! Listening to Rush, Levin, Hannity, Savage, BECK, ya start to wonder if they really hate this Obama fellow or if maybe, just maybe, juuuuuussssssttttt maaaaayyyyyybbeeeeeee....they have to oppose every word he says because it's good business. Juuuuuuuuussssssssstttttttt maybe, these ENTERTAINERS, are doing what's best for their show and it's, I mean their, bottom lines.
-----The other day I heard Rush bitch that Obama is handling 911 like it was a crime...last I checked killing a few thousand people WAS AGAINST THE LAW in just about every state I know of, and while I didn't find any laws that said it was illegal to steal a plane and fly it into a building, I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon in most circles.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tim Tebow's Near Death Experience
Ok so before I get to the whole Tim Tebow's mom's Super Bowl Commercial thing I've just gotta know. The olympic figure skater John Weir, the one in trouble because his outfit may have featured real fur, is he the guy that played the "homo" in Wedding Crashers that sodomized Vince Vaugh? If not I've got a couple of great halloween costumes for both of those dudes.
Now back to this whole Super Bowl fiasco. Apparently an ad is going to air in which Tim Tebow's mom divulges that she was advised to have an abortion while pregnant with Tim because of complications with the pregnancy. Ultimately she chose door number 2 and was rewarded with a Heisman Trophy Winner and 2 time National Champion son. Apparently a pro choice group is protesting, saying the Super Bowl is hardly the forum for such a discussion. After all there will be kids watching!!!!
So let me get this straight. The commercial where the kids see people drinking beer is fine. The commercial where a 60 year old man can finally get a hard on is A-OK. The go-daddy commercials where Danica Patrick does everything except go-down on another girl, no sweat. Even the victoria secret lingerie bowl is fine for the kids. But the one where they are told it's ok not to kill babies...that's the one that has to go??? Really? Ok. Fine. That sounds perfectly logical!!!
I don't see how this commercial would bother a person a pro choice person. I mean after all, ISN'T LIFE ONE OF THE CHOICES???? Perhaps, dare I say, there are pro-choice people who AREN'T ACTUALLY PRO-CHOICE UNLESS IT'S THEIR CHOICE, i.e. ABORTION? Just asking.
People will protest anything. And if you don't believe me go ask the fine folks in Punxsatawney, Pennsylvania, home of the world famous groundhog. PETA is calling for the century old groundhog emergence to be done with a robotic groundhog. They're claiming all of the cameras and noise are cruel to a groundhog, which makes perfect sense because every groundhog I've talked to swears by his silent time. How the FUC# would they know??
The lesson here for those of you still reading (the ones who aren't Democrat friends of mine from San Francisco) is that sometimes specialized groups need to stay relevant so they get together and protest high profile events, knowing they'll fail but hopefully bring some publicity to their cause in the process. Hence the rally outside of Punxsatawney Phil's condo next week.
And while we're sort of talking politics here...can we change the phrase wall street to main street to something else?? It's been two years of the same phrase everyday!!! How about Wall St to Peachtree St? Wall Street to Euclid Ave???? Just sayin'......And I know it's a bad economy but don't get in my cab with fake poverty stories. You know the ones where people who are fine don't wanna give away the monopoly on miserable so they delude themselves into a hardship state of mind? A woman told me yesterday that the economy is so bad that her and her husband have decided to put off remodeling their kitchen. They had the granite counter top picked out and everything!!!!!!! But alas, they've decided to wait. Pray for her! Poor is when you're using a tube of toothpaste so thoroughly that you now have it in a vice grip to get the last mili-ounce of paste out. That's the real litmus test. There is a direct corelation between the percentage of a toothpaste tube you use before buying a new one and how well you are doing financially.
If you asked a hundred people who the best NBA player was over the past fifteen years none of them would say Tim Duncan. And you know something? All hundred would be wrong. Tim Duncan is the NBA's equivalent of the sun rising every day. And he does it all without a peep. Or a tweet. 4 championships and you never hear a word about the guy. Could you imagine the hysteria if Lebron, the most hyped player ever, actually won one championship?? Forget 4 four titles that Duncan has bagged, just one title for Lebron! Obama would be HIS vice president!!!!! They'd make a federal holiday out of his birthday! I mean shucks, if Lebron could do ten percent of what Duncan's done the NBA would be so popular that PETA would be protesting the fact that the balls are made of leather.
Now back to this whole Super Bowl fiasco. Apparently an ad is going to air in which Tim Tebow's mom divulges that she was advised to have an abortion while pregnant with Tim because of complications with the pregnancy. Ultimately she chose door number 2 and was rewarded with a Heisman Trophy Winner and 2 time National Champion son. Apparently a pro choice group is protesting, saying the Super Bowl is hardly the forum for such a discussion. After all there will be kids watching!!!!
So let me get this straight. The commercial where the kids see people drinking beer is fine. The commercial where a 60 year old man can finally get a hard on is A-OK. The go-daddy commercials where Danica Patrick does everything except go-down on another girl, no sweat. Even the victoria secret lingerie bowl is fine for the kids. But the one where they are told it's ok not to kill babies...that's the one that has to go??? Really? Ok. Fine. That sounds perfectly logical!!!
I don't see how this commercial would bother a person a pro choice person. I mean after all, ISN'T LIFE ONE OF THE CHOICES???? Perhaps, dare I say, there are pro-choice people who AREN'T ACTUALLY PRO-CHOICE UNLESS IT'S THEIR CHOICE, i.e. ABORTION? Just asking.
People will protest anything. And if you don't believe me go ask the fine folks in Punxsatawney, Pennsylvania, home of the world famous groundhog. PETA is calling for the century old groundhog emergence to be done with a robotic groundhog. They're claiming all of the cameras and noise are cruel to a groundhog, which makes perfect sense because every groundhog I've talked to swears by his silent time. How the FUC# would they know??
The lesson here for those of you still reading (the ones who aren't Democrat friends of mine from San Francisco) is that sometimes specialized groups need to stay relevant so they get together and protest high profile events, knowing they'll fail but hopefully bring some publicity to their cause in the process. Hence the rally outside of Punxsatawney Phil's condo next week.
And while we're sort of talking politics here...can we change the phrase wall street to main street to something else?? It's been two years of the same phrase everyday!!! How about Wall St to Peachtree St? Wall Street to Euclid Ave???? Just sayin'......And I know it's a bad economy but don't get in my cab with fake poverty stories. You know the ones where people who are fine don't wanna give away the monopoly on miserable so they delude themselves into a hardship state of mind? A woman told me yesterday that the economy is so bad that her and her husband have decided to put off remodeling their kitchen. They had the granite counter top picked out and everything!!!!!!! But alas, they've decided to wait. Pray for her! Poor is when you're using a tube of toothpaste so thoroughly that you now have it in a vice grip to get the last mili-ounce of paste out. That's the real litmus test. There is a direct corelation between the percentage of a toothpaste tube you use before buying a new one and how well you are doing financially.
If you asked a hundred people who the best NBA player was over the past fifteen years none of them would say Tim Duncan. And you know something? All hundred would be wrong. Tim Duncan is the NBA's equivalent of the sun rising every day. And he does it all without a peep. Or a tweet. 4 championships and you never hear a word about the guy. Could you imagine the hysteria if Lebron, the most hyped player ever, actually won one championship?? Forget 4 four titles that Duncan has bagged, just one title for Lebron! Obama would be HIS vice president!!!!! They'd make a federal holiday out of his birthday! I mean shucks, if Lebron could do ten percent of what Duncan's done the NBA would be so popular that PETA would be protesting the fact that the balls are made of leather.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Championship Weekend a.k.a who went and who HAS GOT TO GO
Ok so I wanna do this in 20 minutes because I'm fucki@# exhausted. Just some quick hits on championship weekend.....Is it possible that we could resurrect the act of stoning just for the guy who insists on putting that retarded robot on the side of every Fox graphic? Seriously, how did it ever get this far? We hate promos. But throw in a graphic of a down syndrome robot in shoulder pads doing the electric slide and not only do we hate the promos but we now hate you. I'm trying to see the replay of the 47th adrian peterson fumble and instead they've got the tart bot playing air guitar during a promo for "Human Target". I've got a great idea for a human target: You Mr. Patronizing fox producer.....
...........Has Challenger the bald eagle landed yet? During the national anthem of the Colts/Jets the fine folks at Lucas Oil Stadium decided to bring in Challenger, that past it's prime bald eagle that used to fly to the pitchers mound before playoff games at Yankee Stadium. It was a post 9/11 patriotic deal where they'd finish the anthem release the bird and he'd do a b-line to his handlers arm atop the mound. The crowd loved it. That is until two years later when old Chally started pulling a Super Tramp and taking the long way home. He'd circle the mound, fly over the backstop, take a dump, you name it. It actually became a distraction from the anthem so they stopped it. Well there I was watching the conclusion of Francis Scott Key's song (talk about a one hit wonder, what else has F.S. Key ever written) and in comes Challenger. At first I didn't know if it was planned or if he was still flying from game 6 of the 2003 world series. Sure enough the handler was on a stage and sure enough Challenger flew right by. Stunner! If you tivoed the game you will see that they tried to stay on him for the landing but ultimately went to commercial when they couldn't get him to land.....
.....How about this stat for Brett Favre: 2007 Packers Last pass INTERCEPTION
2008 Jets Last pass " "
2009 Vikings Last pass "yup, you guessed it"
If your like me your not wondering how his last throw of 2010 will turn out your just wondering what team he'll be playing for when he throws it. It's time by the way for all the greatest qb of all time talk to stop with this dude. Admire him for his grit, his competitive fire, his cannon arm, and his incredible durability, but stop insulting our intelligence and referring to him as the best ever. Especially not when Archie's kid is playing 2 channels over, IN HIS PRIME. Favre isn't in the top five of all time. If you're wondering that list looks like this:
1. Montana
2.(and Climbing) P. Manning
3. T. Brady
4. Elway
5. Marino
.....Did Boomer Esiason die? I was watching him on the air yesterday and wondering who was the corpse, him or the person applying his makeup. He looks like weekend at boomer's. Dude we know Carton is grating as hell but geez, Boom. You look like an old southwest ad "wanna get away"
....Who are the best fans in the world? Everybody who wins a championship, or a disputed one (hello NCAA football) thanks their fans who are "the greatest fans in the world" In the past 6 months I've seen the Yankees do it, the Crimson Tide do it, Jimmy Johnson do it, Peyton Manning do it, even Jim Tressel after the Rose Bowl. But only one of these guys can be right. Maybe we should have a battle royal to figure out just who should lay claim to the moniker. For my money, I take Jimmy Johnson's fan's because Nascar Fans jerk off to "Future Weapons" on the Military Channel. Well that and a certain former Governor of Alaska
.......Any moron out there who doesn't believe in "momentum" in sports should have to watch the Colts final first half drive and then tell me exactly what that nine letter word was that EVERY MEMBER OF THE JETS DEFENSE USED IN DESCRIBING WHAT THAT DRIVE DID FOR THE COLTS GOING INTO THE LOCKER ROOM. If the players believe in momentum, why don't some fans? Maybe you can define the way the world works while your holding a controller and pressing the R1 button or the analog stick but in the real world of big boy sports there are real things that impact a game. Such as: Momentum. I'm not saying it's the only factor. It is "a" factor. But sometimes it just seems like the only one.
......and by the way lets kill all the "Colts shouldn't have benched their starters in the last two weeks" talk because the same people bitching that they didn't try for perfection would be the same ones calling for Jim Caldwell's noggin if Peyton were to get hurt during either of those games. Period. It was, no pun intended, a no-win situation for Los Colts....
..........I'm calling a sex tape for Snooki from "Jersey Shore". Assuming the show will keep her relevant for another year, I set my over under at 18 months. Place your bets.
.........Take heart all ye Jet Fans. It was a season of immense progress. I'm not talking the birth of a franchise qb or a couple of playoff wins either. Last week, for the first time in my 33 years I caught people pretending to be Jet Fans. As in, it was cool to say you were a Jet fan. Tell me that aint a big leap foward!!!
.............G'night Ned. G'night Ned. (what movie for extra credit)
Jimmy Failla can be reached at JIMFAILLA@yahoo.com or the Ann Service Taxi Dispatch on w' 21st street because he's making something of his life. Honest.
...........Has Challenger the bald eagle landed yet? During the national anthem of the Colts/Jets the fine folks at Lucas Oil Stadium decided to bring in Challenger, that past it's prime bald eagle that used to fly to the pitchers mound before playoff games at Yankee Stadium. It was a post 9/11 patriotic deal where they'd finish the anthem release the bird and he'd do a b-line to his handlers arm atop the mound. The crowd loved it. That is until two years later when old Chally started pulling a Super Tramp and taking the long way home. He'd circle the mound, fly over the backstop, take a dump, you name it. It actually became a distraction from the anthem so they stopped it. Well there I was watching the conclusion of Francis Scott Key's song (talk about a one hit wonder, what else has F.S. Key ever written) and in comes Challenger. At first I didn't know if it was planned or if he was still flying from game 6 of the 2003 world series. Sure enough the handler was on a stage and sure enough Challenger flew right by. Stunner! If you tivoed the game you will see that they tried to stay on him for the landing but ultimately went to commercial when they couldn't get him to land.....
.....How about this stat for Brett Favre: 2007 Packers Last pass INTERCEPTION
2008 Jets Last pass " "
2009 Vikings Last pass "yup, you guessed it"
If your like me your not wondering how his last throw of 2010 will turn out your just wondering what team he'll be playing for when he throws it. It's time by the way for all the greatest qb of all time talk to stop with this dude. Admire him for his grit, his competitive fire, his cannon arm, and his incredible durability, but stop insulting our intelligence and referring to him as the best ever. Especially not when Archie's kid is playing 2 channels over, IN HIS PRIME. Favre isn't in the top five of all time. If you're wondering that list looks like this:
1. Montana
2.(and Climbing) P. Manning
3. T. Brady
4. Elway
5. Marino
.....Did Boomer Esiason die? I was watching him on the air yesterday and wondering who was the corpse, him or the person applying his makeup. He looks like weekend at boomer's. Dude we know Carton is grating as hell but geez, Boom. You look like an old southwest ad "wanna get away"
....Who are the best fans in the world? Everybody who wins a championship, or a disputed one (hello NCAA football) thanks their fans who are "the greatest fans in the world" In the past 6 months I've seen the Yankees do it, the Crimson Tide do it, Jimmy Johnson do it, Peyton Manning do it, even Jim Tressel after the Rose Bowl. But only one of these guys can be right. Maybe we should have a battle royal to figure out just who should lay claim to the moniker. For my money, I take Jimmy Johnson's fan's because Nascar Fans jerk off to "Future Weapons" on the Military Channel. Well that and a certain former Governor of Alaska
.......Any moron out there who doesn't believe in "momentum" in sports should have to watch the Colts final first half drive and then tell me exactly what that nine letter word was that EVERY MEMBER OF THE JETS DEFENSE USED IN DESCRIBING WHAT THAT DRIVE DID FOR THE COLTS GOING INTO THE LOCKER ROOM. If the players believe in momentum, why don't some fans? Maybe you can define the way the world works while your holding a controller and pressing the R1 button or the analog stick but in the real world of big boy sports there are real things that impact a game. Such as: Momentum. I'm not saying it's the only factor. It is "a" factor. But sometimes it just seems like the only one.
......and by the way lets kill all the "Colts shouldn't have benched their starters in the last two weeks" talk because the same people bitching that they didn't try for perfection would be the same ones calling for Jim Caldwell's noggin if Peyton were to get hurt during either of those games. Period. It was, no pun intended, a no-win situation for Los Colts....
..........I'm calling a sex tape for Snooki from "Jersey Shore". Assuming the show will keep her relevant for another year, I set my over under at 18 months. Place your bets.
.........Take heart all ye Jet Fans. It was a season of immense progress. I'm not talking the birth of a franchise qb or a couple of playoff wins either. Last week, for the first time in my 33 years I caught people pretending to be Jet Fans. As in, it was cool to say you were a Jet fan. Tell me that aint a big leap foward!!!
.............G'night Ned. G'night Ned. (what movie for extra credit)
Jimmy Failla can be reached at JIMFAILLA@yahoo.com or the Ann Service Taxi Dispatch on w' 21st street because he's making something of his life. Honest.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Ninja Parents
I wanna take a moment to talk to you about Ninja Parents. Contrary to what you might think, Ninja Parents is not the title of an upcoming movie starring Jackie Chan and Robin Williams. It is the name given to the parents of a new born who attempt to do ANYTHING around the house after the little dooshbag, I mean blessing from the good lord above, has gone to bed for the night.
For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.
I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.
My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.
Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.
I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.
For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.
I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.
My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.
Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.
I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Don't Wait For My Parking Spot at The Gym
Now I know you'd never know from looking at me but I actually belong to a gym. Do I seriously think I'll ever be in any kind of shape? Hell no but I feel like I owe it to the poor bastards who cross paths with me to atleast make an effort. It's the least I can do. I mean after all, we're all in this life fiasco together and we should take every chance we get to help one another. The way I see it if you don't feel an obligation to make yourself a little easier on the eyes then you should atleast make yourself a little more entertaining for the people you've turned your back on. You wanna weigh four balloons? Fine. But do me a favor and walk down the street double fisting Suzie Q's. Bare hand some lomein. Give us a few laughs and show us what bein' four balloons is all about goshdang it!!! Then atleast you'll contribute something to the universe besides uncomfortable moments for everyone in the room that watches you put your ass in the front stomach onto your desk when you sit down in your cubicle.
Wich brings us back to the gym. I know january is a really crowded month in the gym because everyone has made their new year's resolutions and I'm fine with it. I have no problem with all the people who've gone out and bought matching new everything to wear to their sessions with their new trainer. I can even deal with the weird guys that show up in jeans and run on a treadmill. (there are some spanish dudes in my gym that even have dress shoes on!!!) But what I can't tolerate are the people in the parking lot who follow me to my car and wait for the closest parking space possible!!! It drives me insane.
You know the deal, you walk out of the gym and all of a sudden there's a mini van lurking behind you at on mile an hour like a chase scene in a Steve McQueen movie is about to break out. Sometimes I wanna sprint off and see if they follow me. Go against traffic, knock over a fruit stand (its not a true chase scene without one). Maybe fire a few rounds at them and do a barrel role behind a parked van. Anything to make it seem like it isn't exactly what it is. A person who is going to the gym to workout yet somehow wasting ten minutes to get the closest parking spot possible.
I get doing it at the mall. I understand doing it at the movies on a saturday night. But at the gym? The whole point of going is to get exercise!! If your trying to weed out the extra twenty feet of walking your pretty much conceding that exercise isn't a high priority. Again, I am no show pony. But you don't have to be a show pony to know a retarded act when you see one. So lets make a rule. I know nobody can agree on healthcare, the designated hitter, or wether or not we should have a playoff in college football but surely we can all agree that waiting for the close spot at the gym should be banned. If you agree say aye' and if you disagree just go back to bare handing lomein.
Wich brings us back to the gym. I know january is a really crowded month in the gym because everyone has made their new year's resolutions and I'm fine with it. I have no problem with all the people who've gone out and bought matching new everything to wear to their sessions with their new trainer. I can even deal with the weird guys that show up in jeans and run on a treadmill. (there are some spanish dudes in my gym that even have dress shoes on!!!) But what I can't tolerate are the people in the parking lot who follow me to my car and wait for the closest parking space possible!!! It drives me insane.
You know the deal, you walk out of the gym and all of a sudden there's a mini van lurking behind you at on mile an hour like a chase scene in a Steve McQueen movie is about to break out. Sometimes I wanna sprint off and see if they follow me. Go against traffic, knock over a fruit stand (its not a true chase scene without one). Maybe fire a few rounds at them and do a barrel role behind a parked van. Anything to make it seem like it isn't exactly what it is. A person who is going to the gym to workout yet somehow wasting ten minutes to get the closest parking spot possible.
I get doing it at the mall. I understand doing it at the movies on a saturday night. But at the gym? The whole point of going is to get exercise!! If your trying to weed out the extra twenty feet of walking your pretty much conceding that exercise isn't a high priority. Again, I am no show pony. But you don't have to be a show pony to know a retarded act when you see one. So lets make a rule. I know nobody can agree on healthcare, the designated hitter, or wether or not we should have a playoff in college football but surely we can all agree that waiting for the close spot at the gym should be banned. If you agree say aye' and if you disagree just go back to bare handing lomein.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tiger's 100 Million Dollar Dilemma
If your like me your past the point of wondering wether or not you should text "HAITI" to 90999 and your now at the point where your just nervous that your fourteen month old has sent it an additional 87 times while playing with your phone. For the record, I know I'm safe because they make you reply a second time to verify the charges and I know by that point (15 seconds) Lincoln has already moved on to eating the phone. (we're damn proud of the kid, he's got valedictorian written all over him)
The reason I bring up HAITI donations is not because I wanted to prove I ponied up my ten (I'm totally going on second hand info here) but to wonder where the hell Tiger Wood's big bad murderers row of a public relations team is on this bad boy? I mean this is the goodwill opportunity of a lifetime for a guy in his predicament with his financial wherewithal!!!!
Think about it, right now everyone thinks he's a yambag (gotta love big word tuesdays) but if he were to donate a much needed 100 million (sorry rush) to the cause people would reverse course on the Tiger bashing faster than you could say.... anything really fast. (we don't do the witty analogy thing) I know alot of people would see this for the obvious pr move that it is but that's why they call them obvious pr moves....THEY FREAKIN' WORK!!!! And this one would REALLY work. It would give Tiger watchers something to discuss besides the measurements of the waitstaff at Perkins and for the first time in 2 months Tiger would get some positive press. ESPN alone would show Tiger so many times you'd start to think he was related to Brett Favre. It would be a monster headline in every paper. The world would salute him, the talk show circuit would beg him to come and why? Because money talks. Fair or unfair. That's how the game is played and the parade of legal seagulls that are extorting, ahem, advising him have gotta know this.
Don't even mention the amount of money because if he donated a hundred mill the positive buzz would be so huge he'd get every sponsor he lost back on board and then some and the money would be a push before groundhog day. But instead what do they come up with? Sex rehab! That's right, sex rehab. Supposedly Tiger is in sex rehab in Hattiesburg Mississippi right now. That's the story they let out while the pr maneuver of the century just sits on the curb, head in hands, like a stood up girl in a 50's sitcom. Pretty soon we'll get updates on his progress and the glowing reviews of how dedicated he is to not drilling rent a car clerks behind dumpsters but it won't do anything for his image. Especially once he leaves Hattiesburg and runs into some actual good looking people!!!!!!! Way to go Team Tiger, you really defecated the bed on this one but there is some good news. While Lincoln may have digested my phone while I was typing this he didn't get to yours yet. Start Texting. By my math that's a hundred thousand texts. Even if you disagree with my pr strategy entirely at least you'll have something to do in Hattiesburg.
The reason I bring up HAITI donations is not because I wanted to prove I ponied up my ten (I'm totally going on second hand info here) but to wonder where the hell Tiger Wood's big bad murderers row of a public relations team is on this bad boy? I mean this is the goodwill opportunity of a lifetime for a guy in his predicament with his financial wherewithal!!!!
Think about it, right now everyone thinks he's a yambag (gotta love big word tuesdays) but if he were to donate a much needed 100 million (sorry rush) to the cause people would reverse course on the Tiger bashing faster than you could say.... anything really fast. (we don't do the witty analogy thing) I know alot of people would see this for the obvious pr move that it is but that's why they call them obvious pr moves....THEY FREAKIN' WORK!!!! And this one would REALLY work. It would give Tiger watchers something to discuss besides the measurements of the waitstaff at Perkins and for the first time in 2 months Tiger would get some positive press. ESPN alone would show Tiger so many times you'd start to think he was related to Brett Favre. It would be a monster headline in every paper. The world would salute him, the talk show circuit would beg him to come and why? Because money talks. Fair or unfair. That's how the game is played and the parade of legal seagulls that are extorting, ahem, advising him have gotta know this.
Don't even mention the amount of money because if he donated a hundred mill the positive buzz would be so huge he'd get every sponsor he lost back on board and then some and the money would be a push before groundhog day. But instead what do they come up with? Sex rehab! That's right, sex rehab. Supposedly Tiger is in sex rehab in Hattiesburg Mississippi right now. That's the story they let out while the pr maneuver of the century just sits on the curb, head in hands, like a stood up girl in a 50's sitcom. Pretty soon we'll get updates on his progress and the glowing reviews of how dedicated he is to not drilling rent a car clerks behind dumpsters but it won't do anything for his image. Especially once he leaves Hattiesburg and runs into some actual good looking people!!!!!!! Way to go Team Tiger, you really defecated the bed on this one but there is some good news. While Lincoln may have digested my phone while I was typing this he didn't get to yours yet. Start Texting. By my math that's a hundred thousand texts. Even if you disagree with my pr strategy entirely at least you'll have something to do in Hattiesburg.
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