The Great Snow Day Debate

So we've got us an honest to goodness, stay at home, snow day. Or as my wife said WHILE HOPPING UP AND DOWN ON OUR BED AFTER HER BOSS CALLED TO GIVE HER THE DAY...."SNOW DAY MOTHER-F#$!ER!!!!!!" I'd love to tell you that her impromptu trampolene show had a second act but alas...we're married.

A snow day is like a trip to a mythical land where time truly stands still. It's incredible when you think about it. I mean, you got to bed with classes to attend, or presentations to make but then you wake up and a day has been inserted between last night and this morning!!!! You know, the "this morning" that was supposed to be filled with stuff to do? GONE! Replace with a consequence free version of this morning that will stand alone in the universe forever. F is for f#@!$ng and A is for Awesome.

Forget getting dressed or polishing up on the weak part of your powerpoint show, you've got a couple of Clint Eastwood marathons to watch homie!!! No Clint, no problem! It's a snow day. One of the few all skates you will ever have in your working class, adult life, so knock yourself out, literally, if you so choose. Today could be the day you break your all time pop tart consumption record. Maybe you finally get around to renaming your porn clips so your woman doesn't find them. My favorite, from my best pal in high school "hockey's greatest fights". The theory being, the more unappealing the title, the less likely you are to get caught. I don't suggest renaming porn clips for everybody out there. You've gotta be good at it. I once had another buddy who changed "Tracy I love you" to "Love Actually". Breakup, actually. As Woody Allen and Larry David attempted to say 2 years ago, "Whatever Works".

So I'm in the mood to play a little Madden Football but I'm trying to figure out what the acceptable cutoff is for playing a video game out of season. I mean growing up the unspoken rule was always the Pro-Bowl but that has definately changed for two reasons. One, the Pro Bowl is now before the Super Bowl which means you'd have to quit Madden BEFORE the Super Bowl. File that one under NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Ask any true gamer about the seminal football games he's played in his life and a good majority of them will have occured right after Super Sunday. It's just too inspiring of a time, video game wise. The Super Bowl is to playing Madden what Christmas is to playing Nat King Cole. Or that Billy Squire Song. Just Not that "we drank a toast to innocence" train wreck.

The second reason you can't quit is that even if the Pro Bowl were after the Super Bowl, the video games themselves have improved so profoundly that to just quit cold turkey is outta the question until they come up with the Madden equivalent of Methodone. It was different back when the men were all square and the ball didn't travel in the air (I had INTELLIVISION). Now they're so lifelike you can design their tattoos, upload your face to the game, basically do everything but figure out which state they'll get their DWI's in and make their United Way commercials in. But wait til 2011!!

That being said we need a cutoff because there's no dirtier feeling than playing your 34th season on franchise while you can hear your neighbor's kids on their slip and slide. It's the gamers walk of shame.

There are three basic Madden philosophies. The Super Bowl stoppers, which we've addressed, heretefore to be mentioned as the Old Testament. Then there are the year rounders. The guys who NEVER stop. So many seasons that I'm not even sure they're playing football anymore. Everyone knows that dude who's team has just become the only franchise in history to have a father, son, and grandson, quarterback the team to a Super Bowl Championship. Never mind that the team plays in UTAH!!!! Someone once told me those guys needed help. No those guys need a vagina. Then there's the phase in phase outers. Alot of people go with the phase out phase in. The old temporary stop. Like they're taking a congressional recess from Madden.

This is probably the answer long term because it allows you to keep going but at the same time forces you to stop and be a part of the outside world for a few weeks. We've all lived in a Madden bubble at times. It's scary how removed from the outside world you can become. Really important life moments are occurring and all you can think about it is that tight end screen you've perfected in the single back twin wide reciever formation. If you were capable of stopping and thinking about it in the moment, you'd realize how scary it really is.

This would all be so much simpler if there was a baseball game that really could hang with Madden but there isn't. Face it. Don't bring up MLB The Show because after playing Madden for 8 months playing MLB is like living in New York City. No matter how good people say it is they're mostly spiritually and emotionally bankrupt from the experience. I know, I lived there. You keep telling yourself how great it is as a way of tuning out all of the indignities you suffer to be there.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've told myself the city is great while handing over three dimes each month to hear my neighbor's farts when I'm in MY bathroom. Or how many times I told myself the city was great while having my face squished between an armpit and a transvestites thigh on the subway. MLB is the same way. You tell people it's great all the time! Then you hit a 2 out bases loaded single and none of the runners move off their bases and you get forced out at second by a centerfielder throwing from the warning track faster than you can say "I WAS PUSHING THE X BUTTON THE WHOLE GODDAM TIME!!".

Devoid of a clear cut answer and with no true sports gaming alternative in sight, I look inward for the answer and come to a personal moment that I will share.

The night I met my wife I was completely convinced of two things and two things alone. One, I had to marry her. And two, Kurt Warner was a better fit than Eli Manning for my NY Giants playstation team. In no particular order. I can remember meeting her at a show and looking right into her eyes and going to myself, "dude, I know this girl or something" and then I remember her telling me this story about going to the state championships in volleyball back in her high school days and I had an epiphany where I realized Warner had a more accurate arm and we'd be able to offset his mobility issues if we just ran a few more short routes. It was at that point that I knew I had to stop. And then start again. Phase in. Phase out.

The truth is, Madden is incredible these days and there's no reason to stop doing anything incredible especially when you read the fisrt 3 pages of ANY newspaper so I think I've answered my own question. I'm a phase in, phase outer. Happy snow day mother f#@!ers!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Sources Tell ESPN The Sun Will RiseTomorrow

Bristol, CT- Sources at ESPN have been informed that the sun will rise tomorrow. It was unclear how the network got their hands on such a highly classified piece of information until super sleuth Chris Mortensen appeared on Sportscenter last night to take ownership of the story. Speaking to Scott Van Pelt, who was busy making sure Mort wasn't actually being impersonated by a Howard Stern employee, Mortensen did not spare any of the salacious details.

"My sources around the league have confirmed that the sun will indeed be rising tomorrow. This was not something easy to break because you wanna be spot on when it's a story this big so I made sure to confirm and reconfirm it before coming on the show Scott."

After expressing astonishment and interrupting the report to promote Mortensen's blog as well as the ESPN website, fantasy leagues, classic sports channel, ESPN 2, and a bowling competition coming up Sunday morning, Van Pelt pried another whopper out of his subject.

"Not only have multiple league wide sources confirmed the rising of the sun but they spoke with much greater specificity Scott. According to some well placed moles, the sun will be coming up in the EAST and setting in the WEST."

At that point Van Pelt broke into a state of multiple pro-longed orgasm not unlike those associated with tantric sex and began screeming the names of ESPN programs while speaking in tongues. He was then dunked in holy water by Chris Berman who was able to administer the said dunking while holding an entire six foot party hero in his left hand.

There have been no official statements put out by the the network yet but if the sun does rise tomorrow it will continue a streak of 4 billion consecutive sun rises and put it just 1 billion appearances short of the all time record held by the clock ESPN shows to promote various unintersting programs coming up on the network.

From Buddhism To Booty and Back Again- Breaking Down The Lies Of Tiger

If your like me you found yourself watching Tiger promise to turn it all around yesterday and the whole time you were thinking: Great, just what this country needs, ANOTHER HALF BLACK GUY TALKING ABOUT CHANGE. Say this for Tiger. He really makes you reapprecitate Barry Obama's ability to read a speech. Tiger read that copy like the salesman at the car dealership who has 2 lines in the small budget tv commercial they film for the Big Memorial Day Weekend. Come - on - Down - to - Bob - Schizuli - Chevrolet -where -Bob -is prac-ti-cal-ly - giving away cars.


According to the text of his made for TV apology to friends and family, Tiger is goin' back to Budhism. Or as LL Cool J would say I'm goin' back to Budhism. Budhism. Budhism. I'm goin' back to Budhism.......I don't think so.

Everyone has been wondering since thanksgiving how a guy of his stature could suffer such a precipitous fall from grace. What could possible drive a man who "had it all" to behave so recklessly? The made for Tv apology said problems started when he stopped paying attention to Buddhism. Yup, Buddhism. Tiger went from worshipping Buddha to worshipping booty.

When you think about it, you can't blame him. I mean Buddha is a fat dude in robes. Booty comes in all shapes and sizes. In Tiger's case though only one will do. Blonde white girls. By the busload. Tiger shacked up with a couple of airplane hangers worth of blondies and never went with a minority gal. Where is Al Sharpton on this one? I'm shocked that he isn't protesting Tiger's philandering. If Nike only employed white spokespeople surely there'd be a boycott, no?

Alright enough of me being a moron. Tiger played the country for dopes yesterday. Period. If he wanted to apologize to his friends and family so bad why did he need to put it on TV? Couldn't he just have them over, or take them all to dinner? The answer is a big fat YES. But that wouldn't do anything in the way of rehabbing his image, which is what this was all about. You can't imagine how many people work on the public relations team of a huge celebrity during a crisis of this magnitude. There were probably a hundred people think tanking on this. Not that it did him any good. Yesterdays show was a well rehearsed short film. It really was. But apparently rehearsal alone won't guarantee a good finished product. Tiger sucked yesterday. Every screenplay has certain devices, certain bases, to be covered in order to really make the message of the film pop for the viewer. Here are the devices of Tiger's Short Film, "From Buddhism to Booty and Back Again".


1. Hold the conference at PGA Headquarters: this was designed to remind the audience that Tiger is still Tiger the golfer and not just Tiger the repentent beaten man. By staging it hear Tiger got to get everyone to think golf without really mentioning golf. You'll notice he didn't really pay much attention to golf during the speech. That was simply to make it appear that he was so devoted to the mission of personal cleansing that it was an after thought to him. Such an after thought that he consulted with the PGA commisioner about staging the event there.

2. Apologize to the members of his charity. What the hell did he apologize to them for? He hasn't done anything to them accept give them money and scholarships. EXACTLY. And by apologizing to them he gets to mention his charity work. This is the classic "hey I'm not such a bad guy" without actually saying it. It's like when parents put their kids vitamins in their apple sauce.

3. Mention his departure from religion. This is done to simplify the rehabilitation process. Convince everyone, INCLUDING SPONSORS, that there is a simple straight path back to good guyville. Go back to Budda and you won't need booty Tiger!!! Apparently buddhists don't get hard ons???

4. Invite family and friends. By inviting his family and friends and not having an actual press conference Tiger was trying to create the illusion that he wasn't concerned with Tiger the celebrity he was concerned with your buddy Tiger. The only problem is he put it on TV on every channel except Playboy and Spice, oddly enough. Tiger did not want to apologize to family and friends yesterday. He wanted to rehab his image. But when he sat down with his strategists and the idea of a press conference came up they realized how destructive it would be for his image to be addressing the horrible details of the affairs. They also figure it was nobodies business. They were right. Errgo, bring the friends and family.

5. Mention his awareness that he shouldn't get a seperate set of rules. This was the ultimate insult. This is a populist move. Hey public, I should be behaving just like the rest of you!!! Ya got that, plumbers, cops, teachers, firemen??? I, TIGER WOODS, should behave just like you! I realized it the other day when I was flying my PRIVATE JET to my THIRD MANSION to meet my CORPORATE SPONSORS for MY NEW VIDEO GAME. So it prompted me to have a press conference to apologizing for my actions....JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO!!!!!! Nothing he did yesterday was by our standard set of rules. It was as celebrity as things get!!!! He didn't take questions on the biggest scandal of his life! Could you or me get away with that??? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Case closed.

So we finally found out what happens if your erection lasts 4 hours and you don't call your doctor. You nail so many women that you have to hold a tv press conference to apologize. Damn, and all this time I thought that line was a marketing ploy!!! I was wrong. Thanks for showing us all what a real marketing ploy looks like Team Tiger.

Tiger You Doosh....Just Win, YOU F*#!$NG BABY!!!

Tiger Woods is a pompous doosh. If you don't believe me, turn on your tv tomorrow around 11, ON ANY CHANNEL, and Tiger will be there to prove my point for me. He is holding a press conference, well not actually, but a press conference is the closest term I have to describe what he is actually doing to explain away his role in our country's biggest sex scandal since Monica Lewinsky went into the humidor business.

It's being billed as an apology but when Tiger speaks there will be no questions, 1 tv camera, and 5 or 6 "associates" in a nearby room. It sounds more like a lethal injection! Only in a lethal injection, the perpetrator isn't in control. Make no mistake about this, TIGER IS IN FULL CONTROL ON THIS. He is havin' it his way right away, as they say over at Burger King. (love their burgers but McDonald's has the fry belt)

No matter what Earl's kid says tomorrow the real message will be this: No questions, 1 camera, 6 "reporters" = WE DO IT MY WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL. What a pompous, arrogant, doosh. This is such a horribly contrived maneuver by a p.r. team that, if it gets any worse, will be asked to handle Obama's healthcare message. (costs have gone up by 600% and 55 million people don't have coverage, yet Obama's camp couldn't convince the country we needed reform!!!!) The move is designed to repair Tiger's image for his sponsors and that's why he isn't taking questions. Obviously any soundbite of him saying the words stripper, wear you out, Perkins parking lot, donkey punch, would be used against him forever so answering questions is out. So is looking like he gives a turd. But I suppose you don't have to convince people you give a turd when you're in control.

He is so used to having his way both on the course and apparently in the parking lots off the course, that even now, when he's genuinely made an ass of himself, he can't even fathom relinquishing control of the mea culpa proceedings. No way. HE'S A SPOILED BABY!! I don't wanna take questions! MOOOOOMMMMMM, the reporters want to ask questions!!!!!

And his wife will be there to take him back so where, I ask, is the lesson in all of this for Tiger? He was able to nail a hundred skanks behind his wife's back (and sorry if he's married and you're banging him, that's SKANKY) and he was able to get his wife right back. He'll also get all of his sponsors and fans back once he starts winning. So why even hold a fake press conference? Nothing he says tomorrow matters. Because in this world of never ending jock forgiveness, noone cares what you do personally, just win. If you don't believe me ask A-Rod, the only guy I've seen lie more than Rush Limbaugh the day Obama won the Nobel. A-Rod won a title and pow! He's Mr. Clean!

So all I ask Tiger, is don't even hold a presser. Not that you really are but you get the point. The setup for this thing is so condescending and at the end of the day we all know you're going to lie your busy little balls off anyway, so just shut up and win. And don't let me here one moronic radio guy (that's you Mike Golic) talk about the lesson he learned in all of this. Please. No matter what he says the only thing this situation has really forced him to learn is to put skanks phone numbers in his phone under guys names from now on. Because believe me if Elin is stupid enough to take him back she is definately stupid enough to fall for that one.

Bomb Scare @ Newark Airport Attracts 40,000 Nets Fans

Newark- A riot broke out at Newark International Airport yesterday after a bomb scare brought forty thousand New Jersey Nets Fans to the threatened terminal in hopes of being part of an explosion. The incident marked the latest in a seemingly endless parade of black eyes for both the embattled airline industry as well as the woebegone NBA franchise.
According to officials, the trouble started when a dispatcher at the Port Authority of NY/NJ recieved a threatening call mentioning a plastic explosive causing higher ups decided to evacuate Terminal C as a precautionary measure. It was at that point that news of the scare reached the airwaves, inspiring thousands of fans of the NBA's worst team to simultaneously decend on the airport in hopes of finding a way out of the teams troubles more reliable than the NBA Lottery.
It took over 400 police officers and National Guardsmen to turn away the angry mob after they stormed the terminal demanding access as a bomb team performed a sweep. When the crowd refused to back down, authorities were forced to resort to tear gas and water cannons to quell the unrest.
"I've never seen anything like it" said red faced Federal Aviation Spokesperson Tim Depauw. "I mean here we are trying to get all of the travelers out in an orderly fashion and all of a sudden a sea of Nets Jerseys just swallows the apron outside the terminal. There's no excuse, we got us a 4-48 ball team down the road from here and we need to be more vigilant. I mean christ, these boys are 3-21 at HOME this year! If that won't make you go looking for the almighty I don't know what will. Whole thing scared the bejesus out of me but thankfully we had the tear gas and the water cannons that we usually use for downtown Newark twice a day. Whew, that was a close one."
As the water cannons bulldozed one and all fans stood in defiance chanting things such as "four and fourty eight an explosion sounds great" and "No Lebron, No Wade, What we Need is a (expletive) grenade."
Miraculously no deaths were reported in the melee although there were twelve injuries reported as well as fourty thousand hurt feelings.

Knicks In Hunt For Another Fat Over Paid Black Guy As Trade Deadline Nears

New York- Desperate to improve on a 19-32 record that only a New Jersey Net could love, the Knicks are said to be in the hunt to land Tracy McGrady from the Houston Rockets as the trade deadline approaches. If in fact they do acquire TMac, who has missed most of the past two seasons and gained about 20 lbs in the process, it will give the Knicks a much needed boost in the fat overpaid black guy department, where they have been lacking since trading Zach Randolph last season.

"To me this deal is a no-brainer because it fortifies us in an area that has been critical to the Knicks identity since Isiah Thomas took over the team from Scott Layden ten years ago" said team president Donnie Walsh, speaking outside the team's always empty practice facility. "When people think of the New York Knicks, they think of fat overpaid black guys that don't try very hard, so we gotta do this".

"Don't get me wrong, we've gotten whiter with David Lee and more athletic with Nate (Robinson) but at the end of the day everybody knows what we're all about and I'm not about to upset the apple cart here. Sure we've got Eddie Curry who is basically a two footed manatee but he never gets near the court these days. TMac is a perfect fit for our system. He's way overpaid, past his prime, and he treats defense like its the H1N1 virus so Mike D'Antoni will love him. I can't think of a better compliment to Jared Jeffries! "

Walsh went on to rate the teams chances of acquiring McGrady at 60-40 and said he hopes to have some news by this Wednesday's loss against the Chicago Bulls.

The Sneer In Review

If you ever look @ Mike Lupica's headshot in the Daily News you'll notice almost a wee bit of a sneer, sort of a "hey take me seriously because I do type of look"...he's one of the best we have writin' sports and he was around when you could smoke cigars in bars and all of the iconics were playing, reporting, and drinking together, for that I love his column. Plus he goes on Imus which is only the greatest show on radio if you know anything about good radio.... Aside from those infomercials for the Dean Martin Show, Club Lupica is the only place you can go for a Toots Shore reference in the year 2010. I do find myself agreeing with a good amount of his political view points although I will call him on the whiny way he goes about expressing him. He writes politics the way he writes sports and I don't think it translates well. And he always talks about guys who "find religion a little late in the service" which is a great line but he's also one of those guys who decided to go all MSNBC on our asses right when it became fashionable to start piling on the last administration....that being said (you know what's coming, this is the classic, don't get me wrong I have nothing against black people, BUT DID YOU EVER NOTICE HOW.....) I have to call out Mikey Sneers on his Peyton Manning take after SB XLIV....He chided the greatest regular season qb of all time for amongst other things, not doing the midfield handshake with Brees and Sean Payton.....here's the thing Sneers.....anyone mad that 'ol Peyday didn't give us the onfield handshake needs to read a book about the power of positive thinking and get over their need to wallow in someone else's defeat...it's this exact mentality that is the reason we have the first week of american idol, where people intentionally act like horrible singers so the rest of the country can feel good about themselves....it's sad when you think about what network producers think of YOU THE VIEWER....when they program A.I. they're basically looking at you as someone who looks at it this way: hey my boss is a ballbag, I'm working to death for no money, my wife won't bang me, BUT ATLEAST I DON'T SING LIVING ON A PRAYER AS BAD AS THAT GUY....THIS SHOW IS AWESOME!!!!!!! Hey Senor Sneers, how about focusing on the positive achievment of the Saints and writing an article about Drew Brees and his kid and giving readers the kind of inspiration they really need? I know Peyday INTENTIONALLY blew off the handshake which sounds a little off putting until you realize what else went on in the NFL this weekend, ahem Rex "The Bird" Ryan, and Warren "Ike Turner" Sapp.....Dante Stallworth, Stephen Jackson (who got off) ..... I'll quote another lefty for the road on this one......"give peace a chance" Mikey Sneers!!!! See that wasn't so bad, was it?

-----Has anyone else noticed that Steve Phillips and ex vp nominee John Edwards are pretty much the same guy?? How big is the sleeze quotient on Phillips? And now he's doing the talk show circuit to apologize, i.e. campaign for a new job. Typical interview blah blah blah, someone hire me on their sports network, hurt my family, blah blah, team player, blah blah, learned I had a problem, blah blah.....and you KNOW Phillips kept his socks on when he drilled that young freuline up in Bristol....

-----Happy Superbowl one more time. I just can't say it enough because it's the only happy you can wish anyone and still include the title of the holiday......so happy superbowl....and sorry for not wishing ya'll a few extra merry christmas' as I would have been sued..and lets face it when your 33 and driving a yellow cab in manhattan you're not doin' it because there's a surplus of cash in your life.....


-----The Saints have taken Super Bowk XLIV and the big easy is gettin' ready to "party with Lombardi" this week as the who dats return home with their first NFL Crown since I used them in Super Tecmo Bowl in 1991. It's gonna be a helluva time down there, as it should be, because it doesn't get any bigger than....THIS....but that's in New Orleans....what I wanna talk about is is the celebration that will ensue up here, in the Northeast, where we will undoubtedly see hundreds of BRAND SPANKIN' NEW SAINTS LIDS all over the sidewalks this week, not because we have any Saints fans up here but this is a MAJOR FRONT RUNNIN' TOWN...MAJOR....don't believe me, ask anyone who saw the viral spread of Red Sox hats in 04...you couldn't go to a street corner in this town and not see a Boston hat, they were like the Duane Reade drug stores of HAT. Good luck finding one now, with the Yanks taking the whole thing this year, there's suddenly a Red Sox hat famine....seriously if you ask the average Saints Hoody wearin' schmuck you see outside of Penn Station this week to name 2 guys on the Saints don't be surprised to see them get stuck at Peyton Manning. But Jim, Peyton Manning isn't on the saints.........EXACTLY!!!! I'm not writing this because I have a problem with all the front running, as a Raider fan I totally empathize with the need to be around a winning team once in a while. All I'm sayin' is atleast cut the tags off your hat and bend the brim a little bit so we can at least create the illusion that you were with em' all along. If you're gonna frontrun, atleast be discreet!!!!



-----Gotta send a big shout out for the guy who filled in for the WHEELHOUSE Sunday and told every body how to bet the super bowl...that was some impressive stuff.....what was his name again? I can't remember, but I remember him sayin' something about driving a cab....and being a no name comic who's appearing @ Comix this wednesday thursday and friday....p.s. go to another blog if you'd like your days of the week capitalized!!!!!


-----Roger Goodell announced that he wants to enact stricter rules to limit concussions. How about rules to limit the amount of Super Bowl commercials where animals act like people? How many violin playing beavers can you laugh at, middle america?

-----And no pun intended but speaking of beavers, how bout that Danica Patrick making it to NASCAR. I die laughing when I hear someone mention what a big moment this is for women because she has made her way into this all male sport and forced her to take them seriously. As if she's relevant for any reasons that have to do with her driving ability. I'm fine with intergrating women into big time pro sports but not just so we can say we did. My advice to Danica, stop simulating sex with Megan Fox and learn how to drive. Your rise to prominence is the epitome of what the whole women's rights movement is supposed to be against. Talk about objectification....really, has anyone ever seen a cheaper marketing ploy in sports??? Whose gonna sponsor her car, HANDCREAM????? If you wanna be a pro athlete, be a pro athlete! If you wanna be a pornstar, be a pornstar...


Following XLIV who feels worse, Colts fans or Vikings fans? The Vikes SO SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT GAME!!!!!! friggin FARV- RUH........... 7 turnovers against a team they completely DOMINATED....the Colts turn it over once (not counting the brilliant onsider) and it cost em the game....the Vikes turned it over SEVEN TIMES before it finally caught up to them...the good news, Vikes fans, is you were probably the best team in the league this year. The BAD NEWS.........we end with a quote for extra credit.....

"the flowers you gave me, are just about to die, but when I think about what COULD'VE BEEN, it makes me want to cry"

WHO THE HELL ELSE HAS THE CONFIDENCE TO CLOSE ON A TIFFANY SONG???????



































tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt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C.S.I. Miami, a.k.a. Super Bowl XLIV

I had a guy in my cab yesterday that worked in forensic accounting. For those of you who don't know what that is (like me before I picked him up @ Grand Central) what these guys do is find the hidden income of wealthy individuals or corporations by examining their books and id'ing certain trouble signs. The way he explained it certain disclosures on a companies books indicate an attempt to cover up money by employing various obstruction tactics. It's kinda like body language experts who can tell a person is lying by the way their eyes look to the left when they're talking. Forensic accountants are masters at the body language of accounting. This guy worked on ENRON and he is now involved in determining who gets paid out in the Bernie Madoff sweepstakes. Fascinating conversation but based on the tip it's safe to say he hasn't kept too much of the hidden money for himself.

Luckily I won't need it this week because after a playoff run in which I went 9-1 for all of you unappreciative assbags (hello talk radio host Mike Bower) I have done the forensic accounting of SUPER BOWL XLIV and found out where the money is being hidden. Literally hidden! AND NOT JUST IN THIS GAME BUT IN EVERY SUPER BOWL TO COME!!! I'm serious.

Anyone that has ever heard me talk about gambling on the radio, or at a little league game or a dance recital for that matter knows that I am a huge proponent of betting every game for the same amount of money. It is the single most important reason that I have come out ahead every football season since 1993. The reason I find this so important is because if you commit to bet every game equally it takes alot of the emotion out of the process and decreases the chances of you going on TILT after a tough loss and making a bunch of dumb bets. (TILT the state of mind, not the Michael Madsen vehicle on ESPN)

Placing equal bets also accentuates a winning record by ensuring that you get paid. Sadly, to most people who bet football, having a winning record rarely equates to making money. Think about it. How many times have you gone 5-2- in a weekend and lost money because you bet the five wins for a hundo and the two losses for a nickel and a dime. It's maddening!!! YOU HAVE TO BET THEM ALL THE SAME. People who bet in varying increments are a bookies dream!!! Even if it works for you on a small sample of games over the course of time "betting the big game" has a way turning your bank roll into the last shot of Steve Buscemi in Fargo. I cannot stress this enough. If you are seriously trying to gamble and come out ahead you must bet them all the same.
The Super Bowl is no different. If you're gonna bet it every year you have to employ the same type of strategy. Mine, without further ado, is this. BET THE UNDERDOG IN THE SUPER BOWL TO WIN THE GAME OUTRIGHT EVERY SINGLE YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. THAT'S RIGHT, FORGET THE SPREAD AND BET THE SAINTS +180 TO WIN THE GAME!!! A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR BET WILL PAY YOU NINE HUNDRED AMERICAN.

Alot of people will want to know why. Is it the limited mobility of Freeney, the remember me hits of the Saints D? Maybe someone has finally found a way to confuse Peyton Manning by changing the name of the Stadium every other posession. Nope it's bigger than all that. It's not about pass rushers, or average starting field position it's about FORENSIC ACCOUNTING.

I know at first it sounds highly implausible that their could be money hidden on the most heavily bet game in the universe but about 10 years ago I was studying the angles of Super Bowl XXXIII and looking at some of the historic trends in the game and I had a Robert Langdon eureka moment straight out of a Dan Brown Novel. What followed was the birth of a betting strategy that would result in 3 wins, 7 losses, but a net profit of $2500. I know this sounds impossible but I'll explain.

Heres the deal: the team favored to win the SuperBowl has won the game 32 times in 43 tries (75%) so on the surface it would seem simple to bet the favorite on the money line every single year because you're going to win 75% of the time. But if you look a little deeper you'll see the trouble signs.

Although favorites win the Super Bowl (without the spread) 75% of the time they are usually doing so at a money line that is extremely high. (avg. price for the 43 favorites is around -500 which means for every hundred you win on a Super Bowl favorite, you lose five!! This year the Colts are laying -210 which means a hundred on the colts will cost you 210 if you lose. (It's really not bad when you consider a hundred on the COLTS in Super Bowl III would have lost you $1600!!!!!) If you bet the Saints for a hundo it would pay you 180. If you lost it you'd only be out that same hundo and therein lies the value.

Since Super Bowl I betting the underdog on the money line for five hundred a game would give you a won lost record of 11 wins and 32 losses but you'd be up eleven thousand five hundred dollars. Don't get me wrong there'd be a ton of games you didn't like ('94 Chargers over the Niners comes to mind) but if you hold your nose and bet the dog every year you will get paid. But you've gotta have discipline because you're going to lose alot more than you win. Going into this weekend the dog in the Super Bowl wins the game outright slightly better than once every 4 years. But at an average payout of $2500 per win the underdog money line strategy will have you up two units every five years. I know this is boring but boring people with tons of poise are the only ones making money.

Often times the guy you HEAR CELEBRATING at the Borgata on Saturday night because he's winning five dime black jack hands is often the same guy you see sunday morning betting 20 bucks a hand because the excitement made it impossible to walk away and now it's all gone. It truly is the worst gambling feeling in the world. I'm sure some of you have been there, tipping the waitress a hundred a round, paying people to hit their 16 because you plan on doubling down, lost behind stacks of chips that look like the New York City Skyline. But rather than walking away you keep playing and now you have the Philadelphia Skyline which eventually becomes the Columbus Ohio skyline and then alas, Sioux City. Keep the emotion out of the process and place the boring bet. Believe me I KNOW how boring this sounds but it's not nearly as boring as Sioux City.

------------As far as betting the game on an individual basis I think the Colts are going to destroy them for some reason. The only thing scaring me is that everybody I talk to feels the same way. If I was going one game I would lay the 210 and bet the Colts simply to win the game. Unfortunately or fortunately I have pretty good discipline so I will stick to the money line strategy that I've employed since the year 2000. (3-7, up $2500).