From Buddhism To Booty and Back Again- Breaking Down The Lies Of Tiger

If your like me you found yourself watching Tiger promise to turn it all around yesterday and the whole time you were thinking: Great, just what this country needs, ANOTHER HALF BLACK GUY TALKING ABOUT CHANGE. Say this for Tiger. He really makes you reapprecitate Barry Obama's ability to read a speech. Tiger read that copy like the salesman at the car dealership who has 2 lines in the small budget tv commercial they film for the Big Memorial Day Weekend. Come - on - Down - to - Bob - Schizuli - Chevrolet -where -Bob -is prac-ti-cal-ly - giving away cars.


According to the text of his made for TV apology to friends and family, Tiger is goin' back to Budhism. Or as LL Cool J would say I'm goin' back to Budhism. Budhism. Budhism. I'm goin' back to Budhism.......I don't think so.

Everyone has been wondering since thanksgiving how a guy of his stature could suffer such a precipitous fall from grace. What could possible drive a man who "had it all" to behave so recklessly? The made for Tv apology said problems started when he stopped paying attention to Buddhism. Yup, Buddhism. Tiger went from worshipping Buddha to worshipping booty.

When you think about it, you can't blame him. I mean Buddha is a fat dude in robes. Booty comes in all shapes and sizes. In Tiger's case though only one will do. Blonde white girls. By the busload. Tiger shacked up with a couple of airplane hangers worth of blondies and never went with a minority gal. Where is Al Sharpton on this one? I'm shocked that he isn't protesting Tiger's philandering. If Nike only employed white spokespeople surely there'd be a boycott, no?

Alright enough of me being a moron. Tiger played the country for dopes yesterday. Period. If he wanted to apologize to his friends and family so bad why did he need to put it on TV? Couldn't he just have them over, or take them all to dinner? The answer is a big fat YES. But that wouldn't do anything in the way of rehabbing his image, which is what this was all about. You can't imagine how many people work on the public relations team of a huge celebrity during a crisis of this magnitude. There were probably a hundred people think tanking on this. Not that it did him any good. Yesterdays show was a well rehearsed short film. It really was. But apparently rehearsal alone won't guarantee a good finished product. Tiger sucked yesterday. Every screenplay has certain devices, certain bases, to be covered in order to really make the message of the film pop for the viewer. Here are the devices of Tiger's Short Film, "From Buddhism to Booty and Back Again".


1. Hold the conference at PGA Headquarters: this was designed to remind the audience that Tiger is still Tiger the golfer and not just Tiger the repentent beaten man. By staging it hear Tiger got to get everyone to think golf without really mentioning golf. You'll notice he didn't really pay much attention to golf during the speech. That was simply to make it appear that he was so devoted to the mission of personal cleansing that it was an after thought to him. Such an after thought that he consulted with the PGA commisioner about staging the event there.

2. Apologize to the members of his charity. What the hell did he apologize to them for? He hasn't done anything to them accept give them money and scholarships. EXACTLY. And by apologizing to them he gets to mention his charity work. This is the classic "hey I'm not such a bad guy" without actually saying it. It's like when parents put their kids vitamins in their apple sauce.

3. Mention his departure from religion. This is done to simplify the rehabilitation process. Convince everyone, INCLUDING SPONSORS, that there is a simple straight path back to good guyville. Go back to Budda and you won't need booty Tiger!!! Apparently buddhists don't get hard ons???

4. Invite family and friends. By inviting his family and friends and not having an actual press conference Tiger was trying to create the illusion that he wasn't concerned with Tiger the celebrity he was concerned with your buddy Tiger. The only problem is he put it on TV on every channel except Playboy and Spice, oddly enough. Tiger did not want to apologize to family and friends yesterday. He wanted to rehab his image. But when he sat down with his strategists and the idea of a press conference came up they realized how destructive it would be for his image to be addressing the horrible details of the affairs. They also figure it was nobodies business. They were right. Errgo, bring the friends and family.

5. Mention his awareness that he shouldn't get a seperate set of rules. This was the ultimate insult. This is a populist move. Hey public, I should be behaving just like the rest of you!!! Ya got that, plumbers, cops, teachers, firemen??? I, TIGER WOODS, should behave just like you! I realized it the other day when I was flying my PRIVATE JET to my THIRD MANSION to meet my CORPORATE SPONSORS for MY NEW VIDEO GAME. So it prompted me to have a press conference to apologizing for my actions....JUST LIKE YOU WOULD DO!!!!!! Nothing he did yesterday was by our standard set of rules. It was as celebrity as things get!!!! He didn't take questions on the biggest scandal of his life! Could you or me get away with that??? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Case closed.

So we finally found out what happens if your erection lasts 4 hours and you don't call your doctor. You nail so many women that you have to hold a tv press conference to apologize. Damn, and all this time I thought that line was a marketing ploy!!! I was wrong. Thanks for showing us all what a real marketing ploy looks like Team Tiger.

Ninja Parents

I wanna take a moment to talk to you about Ninja Parents. Contrary to what you might think, Ninja Parents is not the title of an upcoming movie starring Jackie Chan and Robin Williams. It is the name given to the parents of a new born who attempt to do ANYTHING around the house after the little dooshbag, I mean blessing from the good lord above, has gone to bed for the night.


For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.

I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.


My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.

Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.

I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.