Ninja Parents

I wanna take a moment to talk to you about Ninja Parents. Contrary to what you might think, Ninja Parents is not the title of an upcoming movie starring Jackie Chan and Robin Williams. It is the name given to the parents of a new born who attempt to do ANYTHING around the house after the little dooshbag, I mean blessing from the good lord above, has gone to bed for the night.


For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.

I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.


My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.

Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.

I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.