I wanna take a moment to talk to you about Ninja Parents. Contrary to what you might think, Ninja Parents is not the title of an upcoming movie starring Jackie Chan and Robin Williams. It is the name given to the parents of a new born who attempt to do ANYTHING around the house after the little dooshbag, I mean blessing from the good lord above, has gone to bed for the night.
For those of you who don't have kids I'll break it down like so. We as parents, rarely sleep. In the beginning it's because your new born is having trouble sleeping and your forced to attend to them at any given moment. It's like living next to a volcano, your always ready to move. After awhile the kid sleeps through but you don't because you've gotten used to taking a pee at 2:40 in the morning.
I know to single people rarely sleeping is sort of a badge of honor. It's associated with big nights out, casino trips, cocaine binges, cab rides of shame, and all of the other things I, as a married man, supposedly haven't done in 5 years. To married folks rarely sleeping is only associated with fatigue. Hence the Ninja maneuvers that take place after the kid takes a dive.
My wife and I are horrified by the prospect of waking the baby. Not because we don't love his company it's just that his sleep is our only chance at sleeping or getting stuff done so when those baby eyes shut our lives turn into a Charlie Chaplin movie. Tip toeing to get a drink. Watching tv on volume one. Phones on vibrate. It's so funny how as a single guy nobody called me before 10 pm and now if someone calls me after 8 I wanna drive by their house and throw an engine through their window. Why? Because I'm now a ninja, and ninja's like silence.
Light is also a problem for the Ninja Parent. Some babies are sensitive to light so as an extra bonus we get to live life silently and in the dark. You haven't lived until you've attempted to find clothes, shower, eat breakfast, and leave for work @ 4 am in a dead silent, unlit house. It's like playing the old board game operation! One false move and the buzzer goes off and your screwed. It's pretty comical. Unlike this post.
I know I should probably be yapping about the NFL Championship Sunday or the quirky ness of the GM/Coach of the Buffallo Bills but I figured I'd leave that to the single folk. Talking about the big stories requires energy and enthusiasm, two things I lack right now because I dropped a plastic cup @ 3:10 last night and never made it back to sleep. Such is the way of the Ninja.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Don't Wait For My Parking Spot at The Gym
Now I know you'd never know from looking at me but I actually belong to a gym. Do I seriously think I'll ever be in any kind of shape? Hell no but I feel like I owe it to the poor bastards who cross paths with me to atleast make an effort. It's the least I can do. I mean after all, we're all in this life fiasco together and we should take every chance we get to help one another. The way I see it if you don't feel an obligation to make yourself a little easier on the eyes then you should atleast make yourself a little more entertaining for the people you've turned your back on. You wanna weigh four balloons? Fine. But do me a favor and walk down the street double fisting Suzie Q's. Bare hand some lomein. Give us a few laughs and show us what bein' four balloons is all about goshdang it!!! Then atleast you'll contribute something to the universe besides uncomfortable moments for everyone in the room that watches you put your ass in the front stomach onto your desk when you sit down in your cubicle.
Wich brings us back to the gym. I know january is a really crowded month in the gym because everyone has made their new year's resolutions and I'm fine with it. I have no problem with all the people who've gone out and bought matching new everything to wear to their sessions with their new trainer. I can even deal with the weird guys that show up in jeans and run on a treadmill. (there are some spanish dudes in my gym that even have dress shoes on!!!) But what I can't tolerate are the people in the parking lot who follow me to my car and wait for the closest parking space possible!!! It drives me insane.
You know the deal, you walk out of the gym and all of a sudden there's a mini van lurking behind you at on mile an hour like a chase scene in a Steve McQueen movie is about to break out. Sometimes I wanna sprint off and see if they follow me. Go against traffic, knock over a fruit stand (its not a true chase scene without one). Maybe fire a few rounds at them and do a barrel role behind a parked van. Anything to make it seem like it isn't exactly what it is. A person who is going to the gym to workout yet somehow wasting ten minutes to get the closest parking spot possible.
I get doing it at the mall. I understand doing it at the movies on a saturday night. But at the gym? The whole point of going is to get exercise!! If your trying to weed out the extra twenty feet of walking your pretty much conceding that exercise isn't a high priority. Again, I am no show pony. But you don't have to be a show pony to know a retarded act when you see one. So lets make a rule. I know nobody can agree on healthcare, the designated hitter, or wether or not we should have a playoff in college football but surely we can all agree that waiting for the close spot at the gym should be banned. If you agree say aye' and if you disagree just go back to bare handing lomein.
Wich brings us back to the gym. I know january is a really crowded month in the gym because everyone has made their new year's resolutions and I'm fine with it. I have no problem with all the people who've gone out and bought matching new everything to wear to their sessions with their new trainer. I can even deal with the weird guys that show up in jeans and run on a treadmill. (there are some spanish dudes in my gym that even have dress shoes on!!!) But what I can't tolerate are the people in the parking lot who follow me to my car and wait for the closest parking space possible!!! It drives me insane.
You know the deal, you walk out of the gym and all of a sudden there's a mini van lurking behind you at on mile an hour like a chase scene in a Steve McQueen movie is about to break out. Sometimes I wanna sprint off and see if they follow me. Go against traffic, knock over a fruit stand (its not a true chase scene without one). Maybe fire a few rounds at them and do a barrel role behind a parked van. Anything to make it seem like it isn't exactly what it is. A person who is going to the gym to workout yet somehow wasting ten minutes to get the closest parking spot possible.
I get doing it at the mall. I understand doing it at the movies on a saturday night. But at the gym? The whole point of going is to get exercise!! If your trying to weed out the extra twenty feet of walking your pretty much conceding that exercise isn't a high priority. Again, I am no show pony. But you don't have to be a show pony to know a retarded act when you see one. So lets make a rule. I know nobody can agree on healthcare, the designated hitter, or wether or not we should have a playoff in college football but surely we can all agree that waiting for the close spot at the gym should be banned. If you agree say aye' and if you disagree just go back to bare handing lomein.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tiger's 100 Million Dollar Dilemma
If your like me your past the point of wondering wether or not you should text "HAITI" to 90999 and your now at the point where your just nervous that your fourteen month old has sent it an additional 87 times while playing with your phone. For the record, I know I'm safe because they make you reply a second time to verify the charges and I know by that point (15 seconds) Lincoln has already moved on to eating the phone. (we're damn proud of the kid, he's got valedictorian written all over him)
The reason I bring up HAITI donations is not because I wanted to prove I ponied up my ten (I'm totally going on second hand info here) but to wonder where the hell Tiger Wood's big bad murderers row of a public relations team is on this bad boy? I mean this is the goodwill opportunity of a lifetime for a guy in his predicament with his financial wherewithal!!!!
Think about it, right now everyone thinks he's a yambag (gotta love big word tuesdays) but if he were to donate a much needed 100 million (sorry rush) to the cause people would reverse course on the Tiger bashing faster than you could say.... anything really fast. (we don't do the witty analogy thing) I know alot of people would see this for the obvious pr move that it is but that's why they call them obvious pr moves....THEY FREAKIN' WORK!!!! And this one would REALLY work. It would give Tiger watchers something to discuss besides the measurements of the waitstaff at Perkins and for the first time in 2 months Tiger would get some positive press. ESPN alone would show Tiger so many times you'd start to think he was related to Brett Favre. It would be a monster headline in every paper. The world would salute him, the talk show circuit would beg him to come and why? Because money talks. Fair or unfair. That's how the game is played and the parade of legal seagulls that are extorting, ahem, advising him have gotta know this.
Don't even mention the amount of money because if he donated a hundred mill the positive buzz would be so huge he'd get every sponsor he lost back on board and then some and the money would be a push before groundhog day. But instead what do they come up with? Sex rehab! That's right, sex rehab. Supposedly Tiger is in sex rehab in Hattiesburg Mississippi right now. That's the story they let out while the pr maneuver of the century just sits on the curb, head in hands, like a stood up girl in a 50's sitcom. Pretty soon we'll get updates on his progress and the glowing reviews of how dedicated he is to not drilling rent a car clerks behind dumpsters but it won't do anything for his image. Especially once he leaves Hattiesburg and runs into some actual good looking people!!!!!!! Way to go Team Tiger, you really defecated the bed on this one but there is some good news. While Lincoln may have digested my phone while I was typing this he didn't get to yours yet. Start Texting. By my math that's a hundred thousand texts. Even if you disagree with my pr strategy entirely at least you'll have something to do in Hattiesburg.
The reason I bring up HAITI donations is not because I wanted to prove I ponied up my ten (I'm totally going on second hand info here) but to wonder where the hell Tiger Wood's big bad murderers row of a public relations team is on this bad boy? I mean this is the goodwill opportunity of a lifetime for a guy in his predicament with his financial wherewithal!!!!
Think about it, right now everyone thinks he's a yambag (gotta love big word tuesdays) but if he were to donate a much needed 100 million (sorry rush) to the cause people would reverse course on the Tiger bashing faster than you could say.... anything really fast. (we don't do the witty analogy thing) I know alot of people would see this for the obvious pr move that it is but that's why they call them obvious pr moves....THEY FREAKIN' WORK!!!! And this one would REALLY work. It would give Tiger watchers something to discuss besides the measurements of the waitstaff at Perkins and for the first time in 2 months Tiger would get some positive press. ESPN alone would show Tiger so many times you'd start to think he was related to Brett Favre. It would be a monster headline in every paper. The world would salute him, the talk show circuit would beg him to come and why? Because money talks. Fair or unfair. That's how the game is played and the parade of legal seagulls that are extorting, ahem, advising him have gotta know this.
Don't even mention the amount of money because if he donated a hundred mill the positive buzz would be so huge he'd get every sponsor he lost back on board and then some and the money would be a push before groundhog day. But instead what do they come up with? Sex rehab! That's right, sex rehab. Supposedly Tiger is in sex rehab in Hattiesburg Mississippi right now. That's the story they let out while the pr maneuver of the century just sits on the curb, head in hands, like a stood up girl in a 50's sitcom. Pretty soon we'll get updates on his progress and the glowing reviews of how dedicated he is to not drilling rent a car clerks behind dumpsters but it won't do anything for his image. Especially once he leaves Hattiesburg and runs into some actual good looking people!!!!!!! Way to go Team Tiger, you really defecated the bed on this one but there is some good news. While Lincoln may have digested my phone while I was typing this he didn't get to yours yet. Start Texting. By my math that's a hundred thousand texts. Even if you disagree with my pr strategy entirely at least you'll have something to do in Hattiesburg.
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